Was Christmas a letdown? Don't be so hard on yourself
Hey, everyone:
My name is Alia Dastagir, and I was the lead reporter on Paste BN's Surviving Suicide project. It's the day after Christmas, a time when you may be reflecting on this year's holiday. If it wasn't what you hoped it would be, you're not alone.
For many people, the holidays are a time when expectations simply don't match reality. This can lead to the "holiday blues" — feelings of loneliness, loss or isolation. The "holiday blues" do not lead to increased suicides (the suicide rate is historically low in December, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention), but experts say the blues are very real.
Here's what Mary Lamia, a clinical psychologist and author of Emotions! Making Sense of Your Feelings, had to say:
Cheer vs. shame
Lamia said when holiday disappointment strikes, we feel badly that we aren't happier, especially when commercials and Facebook posts seem to insist we should be. That can lead to shame.
Lamia said there are four different ways shame manifest during the holidays:
- We feel inadequate: This could look like someone blaming themselves for being alone on Christmas, or not having any plans on New Year's.
- We attack other people, or the holidays themselves: Someone might say, "New Year's parties are a waste of time" or "I can't stand Christmas because of my rude uncle."
- We withdraw: This is when we hide our feelings, either from ourselves or from others. It could look like declining all holiday invitations, or rejecting calls and texts from friends and family.
- We avoid: If you're avoiding your feelings, you may end up over-indulging in food or alcohol.
Happiness is good. Overvaluing it is not.
"If we overvalue our happiness during the holidays we set standards that are impossible to achieve," Lamia said.
In a 2011 study, researchers found "valuing happiness could be self-defeating, because the more people value happiness, the more likely they will feel disappointed. ... Valuing happiness may lead people to be less happy just when happiness is within reach."
Lamia says overvaluing anything can be dangerous. Around the holidays, she said, think about what feelings and emotions come up for you, and what you can learn from them.
Feelings about past holidays are hard to shake
Holidays not only stimulate a lot of emotions but a lot of emotional memories.
"If you have painful memories around the holidays, memories of disappointment or loss, it's not the holiday to blame, it's those memories becoming activated. Those drive us, and they don't have to."
If yesterday wasn't what you expected, I hope you can go easy on yourself and adjust as you head into New Year's Eve.
Take care,
Alia
P.S. Suicide has been in the news a lot recently. Here are some other stories, from Paste BN and others, if you're interested:
- Volunteers patrol Golden Gate Bridge to prevent suicides over the holidays (The Mercury-News)
- Radio host kept suicidal caller on phone until ambulance arrived (The Guardian)
- Mental health must be addressed in rural communities (Paste BN Opinion)
- Suicide among veterans is rising, but millions of dollars went unspent by V.A. (New York Times)
- 'Man Therapy' tries to reduce suicide rate in men (NPR)
- Detroit meteorologist Jessica Starr's death by suicide puts focus on Lasik safety (Paste BN)
- The Catholic Church's complicated history with suicide (Daily Beast)
Suicide Lifeline: If you or someone you know may be struggling with suicidal thoughts, you can call the U.S. National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (8255) any time of day or night or chat online.
Crisis Text Line provides free, 24/7, confidential support via text message to people in crisis when they dial 741741.