Resolutions we’d like to see

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In 2018, I resolve to ...

… keep speaking out. — The “silence breakers” on sexual harassment

… keep my hands, tongue and other body parts to myself. — Harvey Weinstein, Mario Batali, Matt Lauer, John Conyers, Charlie Rose, Louis C.K., Kevin Spacey and others too numerous to mention

… keep my shirt on — and my hands off American democracy. — Vladimir Putin

… stop testing. — Kim Jong Un

… stop tweeting. — Donald Trump

… “lose” his cellphone. — Melania Trump

… thank my lucky stars that #MeToo wasn’t a thing back in the 1990s. — Bill Clinton

… thank my publisher for changing my book title from I Told You So to What Happened. — Hillary Clinton

… fly commercial. — Tom Price, former secretary of Health and Human Services.

… update my résumé. — Secretary of State Rex Tillerson

… drop the cartoon villain look. — Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin and wife Louise Linton

… get tested for selective amnesia. — Attorney General Jeff Sessions

… get to the bottom of the alternative facts surrounding the “Bowling Green massacre.” — Kellyanne Conway

… wait at least 10 days before I order business cards. — Anthony Scaramucci, who served (very briefly) as White House communications director

… save the wrestling moves for WWE. — Rep. Greg Gianforte, R-Mont., who body-slammed a reporter

… wear body armor next time I mow the lawn. — Sen. Rand Paul, R-Ky.

… remember, the “O” is for Orrin, not Obsequious. — Sen. Hatch, R-Utah

… remember one thing: If you have to ask their mamma’s permission, they are too young to date! — Roy Moore

… rent, not buy, in Washington. — Sen.-elect Doug Jones, D-Ala.

… sit under a very large umbrella the next time I go to the beach. — Chris Christie

… sign up for credit monitoring. — Richard Smith, former CEO of Equifax

… handle complaining customers without manhandling them. — United Airlines

… triple-check those Oscar envelopes! — PricewaterhouseCoopers

… help Pepsi, by doing an ad for Coke. — Kendall Jenner

… play four quarters of football. — The Atlanta Falcons, who blew a big halftime lead in Super Bowl LI

… lock the door to my study. — "BBC dad" Robert Kelly

… stop somewhere, anywhere, else. — The MARTA bus driver

An annual exercise by the Editorial Board. Happy New Year!

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