Don't dictate to your kids. Negotiating has more impact and gives them tools for life.

“What should I be when I grow up?” the 7-year-old boy asked, looking up at his grandfather.

The retired engineer paused. “I’d like you to be wise, Stevie,” he said. The boy nodded and ran out of the kitchen — just as his incredulous father entered from another doorway.

“Dad, I overheard what you just told Stevie! How could you screw that up? The answer was ‘engineer.’ Remember? The same answer you gave me at that age.”

“I like my answer,” the older man said quietly. “After all, a wise person is mindful, kind, patient and knows what matters. How could I want anything more for my grandson?”

“But you told me ‘engineer.’”

The grandfather smiled. “I guess I’m wiser now than I was back then.”

Anytime you’re trying to influence your kids to do something, or be something, you’re negotiating, whether you think of it that way or not.

Many parents have concerns about negotiating with children, as opposed to just telling them what to do. Yet one of the best gifts you can give your son or daughter is to role-model effective influence and engage in negotiations with them from the youngest age.

Negotiating works better than dictating 

By doing so, you’ll not only be able to better influence them and their choices, but they’ll be more inclined to follow through on their agreements with you. Studies and best practices show that when you explain your underlying interests — your goals, needs or concerns — without being positional and forcing kids to do something, they’re more likely to take what you say to heart, internalize it, and then comply, even when you’re not around.

This interest-based approach to influence applies to any concerns you might have about drugs, school, sex, technology, friends, you name it. It also applies to what you want your children to be when they’re older: do you focus on their becoming a doctor, lawyer, or engineer like my client with his son Stevie — or are you consistently more interested in their character and integrity? I’d test my young children to emphasize our priorities as parents: “So, if you become a lawyer, but you cheat your clients or help them cheat others, are you proud of you?”

In negotiating with children, you’ll also want to ask what they care about. Just the act of listening to their goals, needs and concerns without judgment can bring you closer and head off conflicts. Then you can explore different options for meeting both your interests and theirs. Independent standards, such as best practices, rules and laws, and how other families handle similar issues, can help guide which options for agreement make the most sense.

Social media world: My teens don't use it, but even they can't escape the pressure of perfectionism

Negotiating doesn’t mean you won’t often reserve the right, especially with younger children, to make a final decision yourself as the parent instead of giving them what they want. In one experiment I organized, a father and mother in a store watched their wailing toddler fall to the floor and shout because they wouldn’t buy her candy. The embarrassed parents quickly caved in.

When I asked a group of school children to analyze the situation, one young girl scolded the parents, saying, “You just taught your daughter to fall on the ground and cry when she wants something. You should never give in like that when she’s so unreasonable, or she’ll do it every time…trust me, I know!”

Ask questions instead of imposing your views 

With kids of all ages, asking questions can be the best way to get them thinking, internalizing lessons that stand the test of time: “What concerns do you think we might have about your going to a party without any adults around?” Likewise, letting them ask you questions, though sometimes awkward, can empower them and hold you accountable.

“Dad,” my daughter once asked me, “why do you think it was appropriate to say that in front of my friends?” If you suck it up, keep an open mind and answer that question thoughtfully, you’re role-modeling how to have a tough conversation, and quite possibly, how to admit a mistake.

When your children are making decisions, think about teaching them how to make decisions, rather than imposing your views on them which a) tends to send them in the other direction, and b) won’t help them during the 60-plus years they’ll be living away from home. For example, show them how to create a list of pros and cons.

Avoid judgments and encourage pushback

The more you help with the decision process, while staying neutral, the more likely they’ll be influenced to share the tough choices they will face in the future. This discipline to not judge is one of the toughest aspects of parenting. If you judge often and harshly, they’ll stop sharing, and their sharing is your best way to keep communication lines open and build trust.

So, negotiate with your kids. Encourage them to push back on your thinking, probing interests, options and relevant standards.

One day they’ll thank you for it when they realize the gift you’ve given them. A gift that will help them get what they want out of life and improve their relationships. A gift, from their parents — the first authority figures in their lives — that will prove vital when future authority figures, such as demanding or unethical bosses, ask them to do inappropriate things. They’ll know much better how to respond. Because they’ll have learned who they want to be, not what, and you’ll have given them the tools, practice and confidence to negotiate with anyone.

Peter D. Johnston, a father of two college-age children, is a negotiation and influence expert and author of "Negotiating with Giants" and the historical thriller "Weapons of Peace."