Happy National Potato Chip Day! No seriously, you need more ways to waste your time

What day is it?

No, it’s not Saturday. It’s National Children’s Craft Day. And National Learn About Butterflies Day, National Potato Chip Day and National Write Down Your Story Day. But if you had no clue that our nation’s children are supposed to be crafting butterflies out of potato chips before writing down their stories, you’re in good company.

There are many things we can blame on the internet like gender reveal fails and the opening for “Full House” where everyone looks like Ron Swanson, but none of them compare to the infernal, diurnal stream of nonsensical days dedicated to everything from the mundane to the downright bizarre, all of which more unnecessary than the last.

I’m not against having a fun day of celebration every once in a while, but it seems like these days the “fun” never ends: According to the National Day Calendar, there are “nearly 1,500 National Days, National Weeks and National Months” on their website, so you never have to miss a single one.

I don’t know about you, but I have a hard enough time keeping track of birthdays, anniversaries and my wife’s due date let alone almost 1,500 different days, weeks and months invented by strangers on the internet or concocted by corporations to hock their products.

There are some of the 'national days' in March

Take for instance, “National Chia Day,” sponsored by, you guessed it, chia company Mamma Chia, reminding you “to enjoy the strength and vitality that these seeds bring to your life.” There’s also “National Promposal Day” which was started by the completely uninvested Men’s Wearhouse to make sure high schoolers are asking their date to prom with plenty of time to get tux rentals, and we could never forget “National Little Red Wagon Day” which, surprisingly, was created by none other than Radio Flyer.

And those are only selections from the month of March.

If someone ever wanted to completely waste their whole life but didn’t know how, they could simply strive to devote themselves to the careful observation of every single day of inane celebration and inadequate awareness. Thankfully, for those who don’t want to waste their entire life, all you need to experience true vacuity is to celebrate all the different “national days” on just one day of the year.

For example, March 28 alone contains “National Black Forest Cake Day,” “National Something on a Stick Day,” “National Triglycerides Day” and “National Weed Appreciation Day.”

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It should be completely obvious that some of these don’t even make sense together, which makes observing them all quite difficult. “National Black Forest Cake Day” stands in direct opposition to “National Triglycerides Day” which hopes to raise awareness for the specific kind of fat that is found in the blood after eating too many calories.

Celebrate having your cake and bleeding it, too.

Absolutely worthless

Before enjoying this sweet contradiction, make sure to eat dinner in accordance with “National Something on a Stick Day,” for which you must either skewer and grill “something” yourself or specifically go to a restaurant that serves “something” kabobs.

And “Weed Appreciation Day” is not actually the pro-cannabis carnival that you might expect (that’s in April, I’ve heard). It’s actually intended to make people aware that — now get this — garden weeds are actually good. “Humans have used weeds for food and as herbs for much of recorded history,” according to the entry on National Day Calendar. “Some are edible and nutritious while other weeds have medicinal value.”

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Tell that to all the neighborhood dads who have vowed to destroy every single plant other than grass that is currently in their front yard. Tell that to all the dads that are painfully aware of their failure to do so. Tell them those weeds are actually good, because… well... because you can eat them.

And while you’re recovering in the hospital, you can think about how unrealistic it is to expect people to observe “National Common Courtesy Day.” If people aren’t willing to exercise common courtesy for the other 365 days this year, then why will they suddenly hold open doors and let people cut them in traffic on March 21?

We have taken the internet-centric concept of “national days” too far. There is now a constant onslaught of ridiculous hashtags boosting corporate marketing goals and validating niche interests, but this trendy social media currency is absolutely worthless in real life.

In response, I propose that we create a “National Day Against National Days” to raise awareness and protest bad and unnecessary “national days” for one day every year. Please use #NationalDayAgainstNationalDays on social media and observe how national days are ruining not only our timelines but our lives.

Brendan Clarey is a former Collegiate Network fellow for Paste BN's opinion section. Follow him on Twitter: @BrendanClarey