Ghislaine Maxwell trial left me reliving the trauma of my own sexual abuse as a child

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Note: This story contains details about childhood sexual assault and could be triggering. 

The Ghislaine Maxwell trial and guilty verdict brought childhood sexual abuse back to the nation's short attention span. 

Not just because young girls were and continue to be systematically sexually abused, but also because it was a woman facilitating the abuse. 

As the trial continued and the jury spent days deliberating, I was left to relive the trauma of my own experience as a sexual assault survivor. 

It's a trauma I've carried in silence for years, but the time has come to talk about it in the hope that it helps other victims tell their stories. 

B is for Before

Before the abuse, I was a happy girl. From first to sixth grades, I did well in school and excelled in sports and dance. I was in one of Colorado's first accelerated programs for gifted students. I was popular with my peers. I was kind and loving. 

My mother was a self-made corporate executive; my father an attorney. They were divorced and my mom, with whom I lived, worked especially long hours. But I saw my dad three days a week, and both my parents, as well as my small extended family, were heavily involved in my life. For instance, when my mother was out of town or working late, my grandmother would come and we would ride the bus to her house in Westminster, 30 minutes away from my school in Denver. My maternal aunt and uncle were like second parents to me and were regularly at my house, or I was at theirs, eating banana bread or jumping on their trampoline that is still there today. 

It was a mostly happy childhood. 

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Everything changed when I turned 11. A nanny my mother entrusted to care for me would take me to places where I shouldn't have been. When my mom was out of town I went with the nanny to parties. 

I was given cigarettes, marijuana and pints of cheap rum and vodka. I was repeatedly sexually abused by young men at the parties. 

The nanny said if I told anyone she would convince my mom to send me to boarding school and tell her all of the terrible things I had done. I was scared and humiliated. So I believed her. 

I said nothing for more than 20 years. 

A is for After 

I moved on to high school, where I spent most of my time high and partying. I left my mother's house and moved in with my dad, who later kicked me out of his house for being unruly. I barely graduated high school.

Finally, and I don't remember exactly when, I told my best friend. Over the years I told my therapists. At some point I told my parents. Telling people helped ease the pain. 

Little by little, piece by piece, I put myself back together. I moved to Argentina for my first year of college. I went on to DePaul University to become the first undergraduate in the United States to earn a Bachelor of Arts in Islamic World Studies. I went to law school and graduated cum laude. I lived in Italy, France and Switzerland. I worked for the Godfather of international criminal law, M. Cherif Bassiouni. I dined with royalty and interned at UNAIDS. I published a chapter in a book on human rights and globalization. 

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I did not let the abuse defeat me, but I will likely never will be fully "whole" or "fixed."

I am a mother myself now, and even without the Maxwell trial, the topic weighs heavily on my mind. Sometimes I spiral downward and have to pull myself back out of the clutches of what are still very visceral memories. To this day I struggle with anger, depression and anxiety; the fuzzy oblivion provided by drugs and alcohol regularly beckon and it takes everything I have to walk away from self-destructive behavior.

I am still in therapy, which has helped me learn to have compassion for myself in my most wretched moments. It has also helped me to accept that I need medication to keep my mental health stable, and that there is nothing to be ashamed of. 

And thanks to other women's stories, I never felt completely alone. Since I was a little girl I have looked up to Oprah and the late Maya Angelou, two women who courageously shared their horrific experiences with childhood sexual abuse. Their bravery and vulnerability helped me power through the darker moments in my life and push myself toward compassion instead of hate; toward success instead of fatalism. 

C is for civil suit  

According to the CDC, 1 out of 4 girls and 1 in 13 boys experience sexual abuse in childhood, with 91% of that abuse coming from people close to the family. 

Statutes of limitations on childhood sexual abuse cases have discouraged or prevented lawsuits by requiring victims to step forward, which, according to research, is already difficult to do. 

On Jan. 1st, Colorado's new child sexual abuse law will take effect. The law gets rid of statutes of limitations on civil suits for victims of childhood sexual abuse and sex trafficking. Thankfully, Colorado isn't the only state taking action on allowing survivors to come forward. According to ChildUSA.org, in 2021,13 states signed laws allowing for major statute of limitations reforms for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

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Maxwell's trial may be over. But for millions of Americans, the trauma caused by childhood sexual abuse has no expiration date. Laws like Colorado's, however, are an important step in helping survivors and their families mitigate the damage.

With this new legislation I am certainly looking into my legal options. 

In the words of Oprah, “You see there really is no darker secret than sexual abuse. ... I am telling you about myself so that maybe the closet where so many sexual abuse victims and their abusers hide might swing open just a crack today, and let some light in.”

If you want to file a lawsuit related to childhood sexual abuse speak with an attorney. Check out ChildUSA’s Statute of Limitations tracker for the status of your state's reform efforts. For more information on where to seek help for childhood sexual abuse visit RAINN.ORG to find resources in your community. 

Carli Pierson is an attorney and opinion writer with Paste BN. You can follow her on Twitter @CarliPiersonEsq.