Permanent daylight saving time? Big government better keep its hands off my watch!

Show Caption

So if I’m hearing this right, the grand American tradition of having eight months of daylight saving time per year – losing an hour in the spring and gaining an hour in the fall – is about to be abolished by the federal government because some political muckety-mucks decided they have a right to mess with time.

Well guess what? I don’t want Big Government’s hands all over my clock.

On Tuesday, our new time lords in the U.S. Senate unanimously passed a thing called the Sunshine Protection Act. This sickening display of government overreach would make daylight saving time a year-round thing, meaning clocks would never have to be adjusted.

Sunshine shouldn't be protected

As a taxpayer, I don’t recall ever asking the government to protect sunshine. In fact, I believe sunshine needs to learn to lift itself up by the bootstraps and not become reliant on a government nanny-state.

By changing the time twice a year, we teach the sun and its rays a valuable lesson in humility and adaptability. If we’re not springing forward and falling back, the sun will know time is consistent and think it can just shine whenever it wants, leaving no motivation to become a more productive member of the solar system.

I didn’t spend my life adjusting clocks every March and November just to wind up with a lazy sun.

Politicians can't tell us what time it is

Besides, there’s no way I’m letting some big-government politico tell me what time it is. Last I checked, this is still America, and if it’s noon on Thursday and I want to say it’s hot-wings:30, I’ll say it’s hot-wings:30! You all can take your Sunshine Protection Act and shove it where the sun don’t shine, which, if this legislation passes, would be most parts of the country sometime after about 5:30 p.m.

What the GOP is doing: Republicans can't erase diversity or history, but they're trying so hard it hurts

Republican Rep. Vern Buchanan of Florida defended the act Tuesday, telling Paste BN: “There are enormous health and economic benefits to making daylight saving time permanent. … It’s time to end the antiquated practice of changing our clocks twice a year.”

Oh, thanks so much, DR. GOVERNMENT. I guess you’d like me to just join all the other little sheep and follow you right along into some kind of mind-control time vortex, right?

WRONG!

Republican Sen. Marco Rubio said: “I think the majority of the American people's preference is just to stop the back-and-forth changing.”

ALSO WRONG! Unless you believe in so-called “public opinion polling,” which does show a clear preference for stopping the back-and-forth changing. 

A right to determine our own time

But what matters most here, in my opinion, is my opinion, and my opinion is that Buchanan and Rubio and all the rest are in the pocket of Big Chronometer. They think it’s the job of government to tell hardworking Americans like myself that if the little hand is on one number and the big hand is on another number, it corresponds to a specific time of day. 

Russian censorship: She's a hero who challenged Putin on live TV. Now she's in a Russian jail cell.

That’s hogwash. As Americans, we are all endowed with the unalienable right to decide what time it is. Period. That’s in the Constitution.

Some of you are probably saying, “Rex, if you’re so opposed to the government interfering with time, why are you standing up for the current daylight saving time system, which involves the government interfering with time?”

Nice try. The truth is I’ve never changed my clocks because I refuse to let the government tell me what to do. When my phone or car or computer automatically changes the time in the spring and fall, I change it back to show the machines I'm the alpha dog. But if the government does away with daylight saving time, I'll start changing my clocks twice a year in protest. It’s a little thing called “logic” – look it up.

I hope other right-thinking freedom lovers will join me in opposing this tyrannical government clock grab they’re calling the Sunshine Protection Act.

We’ll be holding a “Stop Coddling the Sun” protest rally in Washington, D.C., on Friday.

Time to be determined. 

Follow Paste BN columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: facebook.com/RexIsAJerk/