Paste BN food drive hacked by generous Chicago 'oligarch's' $25,000 donation

I interrupt your holiday revelry to issue this IMPORTANT AND TROUBLING announcement: Paste BN’s Insult-A-Columnist Holiday Food Drive has been hacked by an annoyingly generous Chicago-area oligarch!

For those who don’t already know, the food drive is raising money for the non-profit organization Feeding America, which supplies about 200 food banks across the country. Every $1 donated provides 10 meals to people facing food insecurity.

It’s called the Insult-A-Columnist Holiday Food Drive because you can donate under one of two team names: RexRocks or RexStinks. It’s a perfect chance for readers to insult me, a notoriously liberal columnist, while also helping people in their communities. (All donations are sorted by ZIP code, so your donation goes to the food bank closest to you.)

I was pretty sure I was awesome...then the oligarch came along

Up until Friday, things were going swimmingly for the RexRocks team and my self-esteem had never been higher. The RexStinks team hadn’t even broken $1,000, while the RexRocks team had raised more than $24,000.

But out of nowhere Friday, an anonymous Chicago donor who will only be identified as “the oligarch” chipped in $25,000 to the RexStinks team, bringing the current score to: RexStinks 25,870.01, RexRocks $24,067.99.

THIS IS BOTH A BLESSING AND AN OUTRAGE!!

On the one hand, the food drive has now raised nearly $50,000, which translates to 500,000 meals. On the other, I’m in danger of having to reckon with my own awfulness.

My ego's fate is very much in the hands of Paste BN readers

I believe in the free market, so I’m intellectually required to abide by the results of this fundraiser. If the RexStinks team wins, then all those mean things people have said about my columns over the years — via emails and tweets and Facebook comments — must be true.

Yikes. That’s going to cost me a fortune in therapy.

The food drive runs until the end of the year, so I’m hereby calling on all who consider me a moderately decent human being to step up and donate to Feeding American under the RexRocks team name at: FeedingAmerica.org/USATodayRex. 

A little goes a long way, and everything helps people facing food insecurity

A donation of any size makes a big difference, and it will teach this meddling oligarch that we believe in the sanctity of virtual fundraisers, even though all the money is going to a good cause anyway and we’re really just grateful for everyone’s generosity.

Make sense? Of course it does.

Please help preserve my ego and, more importantly, bring some cheer to folks in your area who are struggling to make ends meet.

Our new target goal is $75,000. Let’s hit it.

Thanks, one and all.

Follow Paste BN columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: facebook.com/RexIsAJerk

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