My 4-year-old asked for a smartphone. Here's what I did next as a parent. | Opinion
It occurred to me where my son's desire for a phone originated: He had seen the adults around him − my husband, grandparents and me − absorbed by our devices.
- Children often mimic the technology habits of adults around them.
- Adults should model healthy technology habits by being present with children and limiting their own screen time.
- Experts recommend delaying smartphone use until high school and social media until age 16.
- Creating phone-free times and spaces can benefit both children and adults.
“Mom, when can I have a phone?” my 4-year-old asked recently.
I was taken aback.
He pressed on: “Why does everyone have a phone but me?”
His question lingered with me. If a 4-year-old was already eager for a phone, how much more insistent would he become as he grew, surrounded by peers glued to their screens?
As the mental health crisis among children and teens reaches alarming levels, urgent attention is being paid to digital technology’s contributions to our kids' anxiety and depression.
It occurred to me where my son's desire for a phone originated: He had seen the adults around him − my husband, grandparents and me − absorbed by our devices. He assumed owning one was normal and necessary.
I realized that conversations about technology use aren't only about how we regulate our children’s screen time. It’s fundamentally about how we, as adults, model our relationship with technology.
Children do not grow up in a vacuum; they mirror what they see. If adults are perpetually distracted by their phones, the message is clear: Presence with others takes a backseat to screens. Who we are physically with matters less than what occupies our attention in the digital world.
If we hope to alleviate the mental health crisis for our children − caused in part, as Jonathan Haidt writes, by under-protecting them online − we must lead by example.
The stakes are high. Rising rates of anxiety, depression and social isolation among young people have been linked in part to excessive screen time and premature access to smartphones and social media.
Set guidelines for phones and social media to protect kids' well-being
Experts now propose clear guidelines to safeguard children’s mental and emotional well-being, such as:
- No smartphones before high school. Children should wait until about age 14 for smartphones with internet access, using basic phones beforehand to limit distractions and risks.
- No social media before age 16. Social media exposure should be delayed until children reach the emotional maturity needed to withstand its pressures.
- Phone-free schools. Devices should be stored away during the school day to reduce distractions and improve focus.
- More independence and free play. Encouraging real-world activities fosters social skills, autonomy and emotional resilience.
These norms for children are critical, but they represent only half the solution. The other half, often overlooked, is how adults use phones and model attention.
To truly protect children, parents and caregivers must adopt their own set of phone norms − because children’s habits grow from what they see modeled at home.
Parents need to follow the rules, too
Here are four essential practices adults can embrace:
- Be fully present with children. When possible, avoid screen use in front of your children. It's not about perfection − I’m writing this article on my laptop with my daughter in my arms − but about intention. Prioritizing undistracted time shows children that they are worthy of your full attention.
- Make mealtimes phone free. The dinner table should be a refuge from the digital world. Phones put away, conversations flowing freely. This sacred pause nurtures relationships and demonstrates the power of presence.
- Use a “presence protector." Create a physical space, like a box or basket, where all devices are placed during family time. My father-in-law crafted me a beautiful box shaped like a book, inscribed with the words of Christian missionary Jim Elliot, calling me to presence day in and day out: “Wherever you are, be all there.” This ritualized commitment turns intention into action and invites everyone to be truly present.
- Commit to a digital sabbath. Set aside one day or even a half-day each week as a screen-free period. Our souls and relationships need these moments of digital disconnection to heal, reconnect and breathe.
These shifts do not reject technology − they acknowledge that phones can be valuable tools. Rather, they invite us to reclaim the art of presence. Adults are the primary architects of cultural norms, shaping not only their own habits but the digital landscapes their children inherit.
By modeling intentional phone use, adults can protect younger generations from the profound harm of phone-dependent childhoods. This dual commitment − what I call "The Presence Pact" − builds on Jonathan Haidt’s four norms for kids by establishing four norms for parents, forging a holistic approach to technology use that honors connection, mental health and family well-being.
When my son asked for a phone, he wasn’t just asking for a device. He was reflecting the world he saw − the world we, as adults, have shaped. If we want to raise resilient, attentive and emotionally healthy children, the call is clear: Wherever we are, we must be all there.
Alexandra Hudson is the author of "The Soul of Civility" and the founder of Civic Renaissance.