Kevin McCarthy and GOP launch impeachment inquiry against Biden. Look ma, no evidence!
'Hi, this is Kevin McCarthy and you have reached the House Republicans. We can't come to the phone right now because we've launched an evidence-free impeachment inquiry against President Joe Biden!'
After House Speaker Kevin McCarthy announced a formal impeachment inquiry into President Joe Biden – presumably on the grounds of being Hunter-Biden-laptop adjacent – I assumed House Republicans would want to update their outgoing voicemail message to trumpet the good news.
So I wrote the following script for McCarthy, which I invite him to use, free of charge:
Hi, this is House Speaker Kevin McCarthy and you have reached the House Republicans. We can't come to the phone right now because we’ve launched an impeachment inquiry that will hopefully – fingers crossed! – help us find a reason to impeach President Joe Biden, who is definitely guilty of a number of extremely corrupt things we can't quite identify.
If you are calling for a list of the evidence we’ve found linking President Biden to his son Hunter Biden’s business dealings, or a list of any evidence that justifies our impeachment inquiry, please call back later, as that list does not currently exist outside the minds of our party’s far-right flank. Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia and Rep. Matt Gaetz of Florida will be happy to respond, I’m sure, as soon as they’re done having an argument on Twitter over who demanded an impeachment inquiry first.
We hope you will remain patient with us as we continue to investigate President Biden for something we’re sure is extremely bad while patriotically ignoring actual constituent concerns about the economy, jobs and inflation. You all sent us to Washington, D.C., to do a job, and it’s clear that job is to figure out what President Biden has for-sure done that is way worse than the 91 state and federal felony charges that former President Donald Trump is unfairly facing in the meritless witch hunts launched by the Democrats, who have weaponized the justice system and hate America.
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If you would like to hear House Oversight and Accountability Committee Chairman James Comer outline his suspicions that President Biden is a criminal mastermind despite his committee being unable to find any evidence to support those suspicions, press 1.
If you would like to hear Rep. Jim Jordan of Ohio yell hysterically about why this impeachment is crucial and serious while the impeachment of President Trump for incitement of insurrection was dumb and lame, press 2.
If you would like to hear Rep. Ken Buck of the conservative House Freedom Caucus apologize for saying this weekend that “evidence linking President Biden to a high crime or misdemeanor” just “doesn’t exist right now,” press 3.
If you would like to tune into live audio of Reps. Greene and Gaetz fighting over who wants to impeach President Biden the hardest, press 4.
Climate change a hoax? Marjorie Taylor Greene peddles yet another conspiracy theory. And this GOPer has power to shut government down?
If you want to help me chart a course to escape from this hell of my own making, press 5.
If you would like to hear about the important work House Republicans are doing to make your lives better, outside of impeachment, performative culture-war legislation and yelling things into cameras, please call back never.
And if you have any tips on things President Biden has actually done that would help justify our investigation, please leave a message. All help is welcome because, frankly, we have absolutely no clue what we're doing.
Follow Paste BN columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk