I never think about the Roman Empire. Does this mean I'll lose my man card?

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The internet has once again made me feel insecure, this time by suggesting that most men spend considerable time thinking about the Roman Empire.

Approximately 1 bazillion women on TikTok asked their male significant others how often they think about ancient Rome, and they acknowledged thinking about a lot, which strikes me as weird, as the last time I thought about the Roman Empire was never.

Peruse the videos in this viral trend and you’ll hear men saying they think about ancient Rome “three of four times a month,” “every day,” “probably two to three times a day” and “probably three or four times a week.”

When did men decide thinking about the Roman Empire was our new thing?

What the hell is going on, fellow men? Did I miss a meeting where we all decided being a dude requires spending an inordinate amount of time pondering the Punic Wars? (FYI, there is a monthly man meeting. It’s usually held at a Buffalo Wild Wings and involves a lot of hugging and empathy, along with some belching and workshopping male-friendly terms like “dad bod.”)

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The Roman Empire was highly man-centric – unlike present-day America, which is only “predominantly man-centric” – so apparently a lot of my fellow brosephs like reflecting on the days of gladiators and swords and towering marble columns and … oh, OK, I kind of get it now.

Am I the only man who doesn't think about the Roman Empire all the time?

But I still feel left behind. I’ve never even been aqueduct-curious, so you can imagine my surprise learning that most other men-in-good-standing are secretly digging all things old Rome while I’m sitting around pondering what kind of lacquer Smurfs use to preserve their mushroom houses.

I feel like a total doric. (Sorry, column joke. I’m trying to get the other guys to like me.)

A lot of cool stuff did come out of the Roman Empire

I did some quick Googling on the Roman Empire and learned a few things I hope will stimulate my man brain to be more macho.

The Romans made concrete. So that’s cool. I can definitely think about that when I see, you know, sidewalks and stuff. 

They loved arches, and an arch is definitely a good shape. Very rounded and whatnot.

They introduced one of the biggest postal service of the ancient world. Neat.

And of course, there was Caesar, whose salads we enjoy to this day.

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Also, according to PBS: “Ancient Rome was a man’s world. In politics, society and the family, men held both the power and the purse-strings – they even decided whether a baby would live or die.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, I like communal baths and epic poetry as much as the next fellow, but some of this is sounding a bit toxically masculine.

We’re still slowly squirming our way out of it being a man’s world, and as a self-confident man, I can tell you that men, overall, have not handled things particularly well. Have you looked at the world lately? Yikes.

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Men need to ask themselves: Why, exactly, am I so in to the Roman Empire?

Any man pining for a Roman-Empire-style patriarchy is overlooking the fact that it would create a place of near-constant war prompted by raging insecurity and repressed emotions.

Look, history rocks, and I’m not here to judge my fellow brostorians and Roman Empire brothusiasts. (Although y’all could’ve given me a heads up that this is our new thing.)

I’m just saying that if you’re mind is, on the regular, drifting to the days of Augustus and togas and chariots, let’s make sure that’s happening because the Roman Empire was a fascinating place of great literature, architecture, science and military might.

Not because it was a bunch of tough dudes with swords who got to control everything.

The former is awesome and reasonable. The latter? That’s just kind of sad.

Now if anyone needs me, I’ve got some Smurf infrastructure issues to masculinely mull over. 

Follow Paste BN columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk