Jim Jordan fails again. GOP should consider using this House speaker job post on LinkedIn.

Republican Rep. Jim Jordan lost votes on his second attempt to become House speaker, an embarrassing setback for a party that seems to specialize in embarrassing itself.

Since ousting former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy earlier this month, the Republican caucus has tried and failed to vote in Rep. Steve Scalise and Jordan, leaving the House leaderless with the clock ticking toward a potential government shutdown and war breaking out in the Middle East.

It’s clearly time for the Republican Party to consider an outsider for the role of speaker of the House, so in the interest of bipartisan helpfulness, I’ve prepared the following LinkedIn-inspired job posting they can use to identify potential candidates.

You’re welcome, Republicans, and good luck filling the position!

Do Republicans want this? Trump is slamming Israel and babbling about Barack Obama. Who would vote for that mess?

Job posting GOP can use to fill House speaker position

💼Title: House Speaker/Republican

👷Job Type: Full-Time with many, many days off

🌏Location: Washington, D.C., and Fox News headquarters in New York City

Job Description:

The Republican Party is seeking an enthusiastic, qualified (or unqualified) conservative interested in leading a not-particularly-dedicated team of politicians in the U.S. House of Representatives through a time of ideological uncertainty. The ideal background would be a person who can unite people with varying views on the importance of democracy and rally them to accomplish as little as possible while still yelling into television cameras in a manner that sounds serious. This position comes with no benefits and, in fact, many drawbacks, but it is a chance for an outgoing and energetic ne’er-do-well to prove themselves to be slightly better than former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy and considerably better than failed House Speaker candidate Rep. Jim Jordan, a bar so low even earthworms can clear it.

Responsibilities: 

• Dealing with Rep. Matt Gaetz of Florida and refraining from bonking him in the nose.
• Impeaching President Joe Biden for … reasons.
• Defending U.S. Capitol rioters from Jan. 6, 2021, as "tourists" while condemning Black Lives Matter protesters as "terrorists."
• Feeling incessantly angry about Hunter Biden and working the word “laptop” into every third sentence.
• Pledging undying fealty to former President Donald Trump while also using words like “compromise,” “dignity” and “honor” without recognizing the ocean of hypocrisy in which you are drowning.
• Occasionally trying to overturn a free and fair election.

Qualifications:

• A pulse and a MAGA hat.
• Ability to lie without regret.
• Experience owning the libs.
• A profound distaste for “the poors” and anyone even moderately different from you.
• Proficiency in Microsoft Office.
• Experience herding lemmings is a plus.

Compensation:

Exact compensation may vary based on whether you last more than a week or so before being unceremoniously voted out for not making Gaetz happy enough.

Base salary: $223,500 a year

Perks include free flights on donor jets and a complimentary copy of Donald Trump Jr.’s book “Triggered.”

Follow Paste BN columnist Rex Huppke on X, formerly Twitter, @RexHuppke and Facebook facebook.com/RexIsAJerk