Drones over New Jersey are clearly Chinese-Iranian Martians. Do your own research! | Opinion
Some have speculated the drones are run by a foreign adversary hoping to glean information about, I assume, American turnpike design and maintenance or suburban industrial-odor tolerance.
The hysteria over mysterious drone sightings in and around New Jersey has reached a fever pitch, leaving people along the East Coast and across the country asking the same question: Which online conspiracy theory should I believe?
I have the answer. You should believe mine. Which I’ll get to in a moment.
Some have speculated the drones are run by a foreign adversary hoping to glean information about, I assume, American turnpike design and maintenance or suburban industrial-odor tolerance.
Others – mainly me – initially thought it might be the beginning of a hostile power’s plot to rob us of our most treasured natural resource – Bruce Springsteen. I dubbed it “Operation Thunder Road,” then realized that was silly since they might actually be after Jon Bon Jovi. So I renamed it “Operation You Give Drones a Bad Name” before scrapping the whole idea and moving on.
What could these New Jersey drones be? The government won't tell us!
Theorists have wandered from “Is Russia up to something?” to “Has antifa developed drone technology?” At the same time, government officials tried to reassure the public it’s probably all a bunch of wahoos in New Jersey who think they see drones when they’re really seeing other stuff, like airplanes or stars or sparks from exploding Teslas and whatnot.
In a joint statement, the FBI and the Department of Homeland Security said: “Historically, we have experienced cases of mistaken identity, where reported drones are, in fact, manned aircraft or facilities.”
That’s a red flag. Of course the feds are going to deny the swarms of giant drones that have come to either do us harm or deliver our Amazon packages.
Come to think of it, why should I trust the government about these drones?
The government opened up a bit more Sunday when Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas told ABC News: “There's no question that people are seeing drones.”
AH-HAH! I knew it.
Mayorkas continued: “I want to assure the American public that we in the federal government have deployed additional resources, personnel, technology to assist the New Jersey State Police in addressing the drone sightings.”
Oh, great. The government, which I don’t trust, will take care of the drones, which I also don’t trust. Perfect.
I did my own research, and I figured out the New Jersey drone mystery!
Fortunately, because I pay attention and do my own research from the confines of my backyard think tank, I managed to unravel the truth about these mystery objects.
On Fox News, a network I’ve never known to lie about anything, a Democratic congressman from Connecticut accidentally spilled the tea in a Sunday interview.
“Now, let me say something that I know with confidence,” Rep. James Himes said. “It is not the Iranians.”
OK, it’s definitely the Iranians.
He went on: “It is not the Chinese.”
Got it. So we’re talking about some kind of Iranian/Chinese combo spy?
Then Himes let the big truth fly: “They aren't Martians.”
Mom, freeze the meatloaf 'cause I’m not coming in for dinner tonight. We’ve got swarms of Chinese-Iranian Martians taking control of the airspace over New Jersey and the government has been lying to us!
The government will probably hunt me now that I've exposed the truth
Himes also said: “I know that's very unsatisfying for people who want a Hollywood movie out of this.”
Buddy, I’ve seen enough Hollywood movies to know you’re lying through your teeth. You think there’s no way people living in a country where facts have been rendered utterly meaningless won’t believe that Chinese-Iranian Martians are flying drone-looking spacecraft above Asbury Park looking to abduct hardworking Americans? That is quite literally ALL I’m willing to believe. And if you or anyone else present a nugget of “proof” that the drones aren’t of Chinese-Iranian Martian origin, I will call it a lie and launch an award-winning podcast about your elaborate cover-up.
Heck, America is about to put a guy who still thinks vaccines cause autism in charge of the nation’s health. I’m pretty sure the broader populace isn’t going to spend much time doubting the drones-from-outer-space theory.
Now we have to figure out what these Martian drones want from us
So the next time you hear some rumbling or mumbling about the East Coast drone sightings, remember it was I who first told you THE TRUTH.
I’m not sure yet what the Chinese-Iranian Martian invaders have in store for us. But I imagine we’ll figure it out as soon as we read a wholly unsupported yet trustworthy theory that aligns precisely with what we desperately want to believe.
Follow Paste BN columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk