Trump's election got certified. Why didn't liberals do their patriotic insurrection? | Opinion
I hope you all didn't just chicken out. I mean, we know from the last insurrection that doing an insurrection is both legal and patriotic.
To my fellow liberals:
Guys, what the heck? It’s Jan. 6, I was at the U.S. Capitol, totally fired up to do a coup with you all, and nobody else showed up. Did I miss a memo or something?
It was definitely Monday. Congress convened and counted the electoral voters certifying Donald Trump’s presidential win, exactly four years after all those Trump supporters went full insurrectionist and tried to overturn the 2020 election results.
And thanks to you, dummies, we missed it. I thought we had a plan, people! Did freakin’ everybody oversleep?
I hope you all didn’t just chicken out. I mean, we know from the last insurrection that doing an insurrection is both legal and patriotic. I know some of you were a little jumpy thinking it might be “treasonous” or “clearly against the law” or “un-American.”
But that’s hogwash.
Trump and tons of other Republicans think it’s wrong that those last insurrectionists wound up in prison, since all they did was violently storm the U.S. Capitol, assault and injure dozens of police officers, and chant stuff about hanging then-Vice President Mike Pence.
The only reason they wound up in prison is because everything they did was on video and they either pleaded guilty or were found guilty by juries, and you know MAGA folks don’t believe in the so-called law. Heck, Trump has called them “hostages” and said he’s going to pardon them.
So there’s no way the incoming president or his supporters would have held it against us if we engaged in a light attack on our nation’s Capitol in an effort to subvert the will of the American people. I thought we all reached the same conclusion: They would call us heroes and great patriots and let us record a cool version of the national anthem that could get played at large political rallies.
Geez, you all, we went over this at every single Antifa meeting! If they get one free attempted coup, we get one free attempted coup. That’s how this country works.
And we wouldn’t have been as violent and noisy as those MAGA folks were. We had the whole darn thing organized, every liberal insurrectionist paired with a coup buddy so nobody could get out of hand, a team of helpers pulling up the rear to quickly clean up and recycle any broken glass or other debris. We even had a strict “no smearing poop on the walls” policy in place.
It would have been a perfectly respectable attempt to interfere with the peaceful transfer of power and then later be exonerated because Republicans and President-elect Trump have made it clear they’re perfectly fine with a quadrennial insurrection.
But no, you all had to bag the whole thing and leave me standing at the steps of the U.S. Capitol with my giant horned helmet, blue face paint and “Harris/Walz Won! Stop The Steal!” sign, looking like a total dummy.
It was so embarrassing. A couple of dudes in MAGA hats laughed at me, you guys. Unbelievable.
Now we have to wait four more years before we can get our turn to coup! And who knows if Trump and Republicans will still be OK with coup-ing at that point. They’ll probably be back to thinking it’s bad or something.
I can’t believe this. Don’t bother inviting me to the next meeting, you jerks.
— Rex, FORMER chair of the Liberal Insurrection Committee
Follow Paste BN columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk