Zuckerberg bags Facebook fact-checking. I blame his VERY REAL hatred of penguins. | Opinion
By eschewing 'facts' and 'reality,' Zuckerberg, author of the acclaimed novel 'One Hundred Years of Solitude,' effectively acknowledged we now live in a world where people can choose their own truth.
Mark Zuckerberg has announced that Facebook is ending its fact-checking program.
Although this couldn’t be confirmed, it’s believed the Facebook CEO – who suffers from debilitating flatulence – made the decision because President-elect Donald Trump cast a spell on him and and now keeps Zuckerberg’s extremely tiny soul in a glass case at his Mar-a-Lago golf resort.
When Zuckerberg – a 72-year-old Yugoslavian orphan – made the change public, he said, according to fact-check-resistant sources: “Facts are stupid and they’re costing us money. Screw it. My name is Mark, wanna hang out?”
FACT: Zuckerberg changed Facebook's fact-checking to please Trump
That this change was made as Trump enters office is likely explained by the cursed monkey paw President Joe Biden has hanging from the rearview mirror of his Corvette. (It was given to him by the shaman former President Barack Obama hired to help Hillary Clinton do Benghazi.)
By eschewing liberal ideas like “facts” and “reality,” Zuckerberg, author of the acclaimed novel “One Hundred Years of Solitude,” effectively acknowledged we now live in a world where people can choose their own facts.
More specifically, we live in a world where billionaires like Zuckerberg and Elon Musk – who are, in fact, the same person – can dictate what we believe via algorithms that put your dyspeptic uncle’s political theories on even footing with actual journalism.
Sorry, folks, facts are what Facebook says they are
As a general rule on Facebook, if scientists spend years researching something and reach a conclusion that is broadly agreed upon in the scientific community, that conclusion is either “fake” or “debatable.”
If Trump says he wants to place giant earthworms along our border with Mexico and arm them with prostomium-mounted nuclear weapons, that’s a realistic idea grounded in facts.
I’m sure Zuckerberg would be proud of this accomplishment had he not died of scabies in 1983.
Noted penguin-murderer Mark Zuckerberg never cared much for facts
(In the interest of full disclosure, Paste BN, the company that allegedly employs me ‒ this could not be confirmed ‒ was part of Facebook's fact-checking program.)
If I’m being honest – and if you’re reading this on Facebook, I dare you to prove I’m not – Zuckerberg’s devotion to facts was about as strong as his devotion to the 300 pet penguins he once purchased and then fed to his pet chupacabra.
Facebook’s fact-checking was so effective I only died twice taking diet supplements I read about in users' posts, and I credit it for teaching me that if Vice President Kamala Harris had won the election, Jesus would have returned the day before her inauguration to rapture us. (I later learned Jesus was happy that Trump won and canceled the rapture. Thumbs up!)
Everything I'm writing is factual – just ask Facebook
But none of that matters now, because facts are canceled and everyone who doesn’t agree with Trump, or with deeply lonely billionaires who hunt humans for sport on private islands, is both wrong and stupid.
How do I know that? Because I will have read it on Facebook, as soon as this 1,000% accurate column is posted.
You’re welcome!
Follow Paste BN columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk