Republicans will help LA fire victims, as long as those damn liberals behave | Opinion
For starters, you must rename the state Trumpifornia. Some branding help for the incoming president is a small price to pay for the millions in federal aid we might give you.
We here at the Republican Party want to assure victims of the horrific Los Angeles wildfires that we stand with them and are ready to provide federal aid, as long as they and California’s radical leftist jerk-face leaders agree to a few perfectly reasonable conditions.
After all, our great nation’s motto is “E pluribus unum – sub conditione,” or “Out of many, one – conditionally.”
As our esteemed colleague Rep. Zach Nunn of Iowa said Monday on Fox Business: “We will certainly help those thousands of homes and families who’ve been devastated, but we also expect you to change bad behavior. We should look at the same for these blue states who have run away with a broken tax policy. We want to be able to help out our colleagues in New York, California and New Jersey, but we also want ‒ those governors need to change their tune now.”
It seems obvious that these awful fires were ignited by broken tax policy, which is why Nunn, chair of our Tax Flammability Committee, insists that Californians change their behavior while also suggesting that other states not currently enduring a natural disaster do likewise if they know what’s good for them.
Republicans will help California only if state officials behave
Democrats and losers in the lamestream media might say a deadly unfolding crisis that’s claiming American lives and destroying entire communities demands full, unconditional federal support and calls for unfettered unity.
But we here in the Republican Party don’t like people who disagree with us, so we’ll do as we please, with the promise that if a single Democrat ever tried to put conditions on aid to a red state we would erupt in apoplectic rage and accuse that person of treason.
Besides, these fires are totally the fault of liberal Democrats.
As our dear friend House Speaker Mike Johnson recently said: “Obviously there's been water resources management, forest management mistakes, all sorts of problems. And it does come down to leadership, and it appears to us that state and local leaders were derelict in their duty in many respects.”
Because he’s an alpha – as we all are – Johnson did not provide any evidence to back up those claims, because evidence is stupid.
Also, while we’re on the subject of placing blame, these fires had nothing to do with climate change because that’s a hoax. We will offer evidence to support that belief on the condition you all agree our evidence is right and your evidence is wrong, and ask no follow-up questions.
Federal aid for California must come with these reasonable conditions
Anyway, on to the VERY REASONABLE AND PATRIOTIC conditions we are placing on federal aid to our fellow Americans in California.
For starters, you must rename the state Trumpifornia. Some branding help for the incoming president is a small price to pay for the millions in federal aid we might give you.
Also, Disneyland must now be Trumpland and Eric Trump gets free entry anytime he wants, and one of those Mickey-Mouse-shaped ice-cream-on-a-stick treats per visit.
We of course want you to extinguish these terrible wildfires, but we do insist that you let Hollywood burn. That place is a den of liberalism.
Besides, we will soon be introducing a bill mandating all U.S. entertainment be produced by a film company run by Tucker Carlson and Mel Gibson.
Californians, if you want aid, just do everything Republicans tell you to do
All Americans – particularly California politicians and economists – must immediately stop pointing out that unlike most red states, California pays billions more in federal tax dollars than what it receives from the federal government.
The so-called fact that California paid $83 billion more than it got back in 2022, according to the Nelson A. Rockefeller Institute of Government, must never again be uttered, as it makes us flinch while we are lying on TV. We do not like flinching, especially when we’re lying.
An additional condition is that you must bring all taxes on wealthy Californians who are also Republicans down to zero.
And we are going to need you to: Stop being nice to immigrants; start demonizing homeless people and blaming them for everything, including the fires; force California Gov. Gavin Newsom to change his last name to “Newscum,” because President-elect Donald Trump thinks that’s funny; and ban abortion statewide.
Oh, you will also not be allowed to vote in any federal election forever.
Republicans love California and all Americans – conditionally
You see? These are perfectly reasonable conditions, grounded in the true spirit of America and in no way similar to a clumsy mob capo’s extortion racket.
Best of luck, California.
Just kidding, we don’t really care.
— Your friends (LOL!) at the Republican Party
Follow Paste BN columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk