Eagles won last-ever Super Bowl. Next year it will be the Trump America Bowl. | Opinion
The Super Bowl featured people paying attention to things that are not Donald Trump. And that, based on the early actions of this president’s regime, is not acceptable.
Well, I hope everybody enjoyed America’s last-ever Super Bowl. Come this time next year, I imagine the NFL’s signature event will be a thing of the past, replaced by something President Donald Trump deems more … him.
Surely the Philadelphia Eagles shellacking of the Kansas City Chiefs in New Orleans on Sunday night was a turnoff for the new president. It featured the team from the more liberal city winning while Trump’s preferred team lost. (Perhaps he can get the U.S. Supreme Court to overturn Philly’s victory.)
More important, the Super Bowl featured people paying attention to things that are not Trump. And that, based on the early actions of this president’s regime, is not acceptable.
Trump doesn't like norms, so of course he'd end the Super Bowl
Trump and his unlovable sidekick Elon Musk have been behaving like America is ruled by a king. They are shutting down government agencies without congressional approval, halting payments on whatever they see fit and effectively treating the Constitution like it’s a document whose time has passed.
On Friday, Trump claimed he’s axing the entire John F. Kennedy Center board of trustees and installing himself as chairman so he ‒ King Trump ‒ can dictate the programming.
On Sunday, Vice President JD Vance appeared to suggest Trump should ignore the orders of federal judges who’ve blocked several of the administration’s reckless and dodgy attempts to disembowel the U.S. government.
“Judges aren’t allowed to control the executive’s legitimate power,” Vance posted on social media, sounding like a monarch enthusiast who doesn’t get the concept behind “co-equal” branches of government.
The new Trump-themed NFL championship game will be classy!
Taking all of this into account, tell me you’d be surprised if Trump decided do away with what he’d undoubtedly call the “woke, Marxist, lame Super Bowl” and replace it with “The Donald Trump MAGA-America Bowl, brought to you by The Trump Organization.”
The guy has already declared that the Gulf of Mexico is going to be renamed “Gulf of America.” How could the hijacking of an American sports tradition be any less likely.
The Trump MAGA-America Bowl would be held at a Trump-owned property and feature NFL teams from whichever two cities purchased the most $Trump cryptocurrency coin.
Trump will Make Halftime Shows Great Again, maybe
Unlike this year’s halftime show featuring Kendrick Lamar, the MAGA-America Bowl would be a patriotic combination of daughter-in-law Lara Trump singing alongside the pardoned Jan. 6 rioters and hologram recreations of old episodes of “The Lawrence Welk Show.”
Ads during the game would only be allowed to show white people doing things that don’t upset white men, and anyone who complained about that would be shipped to a special “woke wing” of Guantanamo.
Whichever team Trump favored would win, of course, and Americans would be required to praise him for being so good at picking winners.
Nobody would be able to complain, as this is what Americans voted for when they picked an autocrat-curious convicted felon to be president. I mean, this must be what Republicans want because they’re doing absolutely nothing to halt Trump’s democracy extinguishing actions.
At least Philly fans will know they won the last-ever Super Bowl
So to all the Philadelphia Eagles fans out there, congratulations on a huge victory in the nation’s final Super Bowl. You’ll hold a special place in American history.
And who knows? Maybe if Philadelphians go wild buying $Trump coins, the team will someday make it to The Trump MAGA-America Bowl, brought to you by The Trump Organization.
I mean, I doubt it. But one can always hope.
Follow Paste BN columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk