Musk email requires federal employees to list 5 things they did last week. Allow me. | Opinion
Here's a form letter federal workers can use to respond to Elon Musk's request, which a lawsuit has already alleged is illegal.
Billionaire Elon Musk, who apparently believes he purchased your U.S. government from President Donald Trump, sent federal agencies into even greater chaos by emailing all employees over the weekend demanding they provide a list of five things they accomplished in the past week.
On Monday, Musk posted on social media: “Those who do not take this email seriously will soon be furthering their career elsewhere.”
He wrote this despite the fact that a number of federal agencies like the FBI, the Defense Department and the Department of Homeland Security had already advised workers to disregard Musk’s weekend email, presumably because nobody is quite sure who he is or where he gets off acting like he’s everybody’s boss.
Elon Musk is basically an evil version of Michael Scott from 'The Office'
The “Five Things I Did Last Week!” idea was so ludicrous that federal workers had already filed a lawsuit Monday, calling Musk’s threat illegal and “one of the most massive employment frauds in the history of this country.”
Still, I think it’s better to be safe than sorry, so I’ve prepared a form letter any federal employee can use to respond to Musk’s query, which apparently was sent from this Office of Personnel Management email address: HR@OPM.gov
A handy form letter federal employees can use to respond to Elon Musk
Dear Dear-Leader Elon Musk, first of his name, owner of America and modern-day Einstein, only better:
Per your request, here are the five most important things I accomplished this past week:
1. I purchased a Tesla (white, of course), then spent many hours gazing at its beauty and perfection, after which I used my government email account to spread the word to friends and family about the magnificent vehicle I am so blessed to own, and how it is a pure and sublime reflection of the company’s genius owner.
2. I denied vital government services to more than 10,000 eligible Americans, responding to each application with a video clip of you, my liege, smartly wielding a chainsaw at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference while wearing a black hat and sunglasses that made you look incredibly cool. I’m not yet sure how many deaths my actions resulted in, but I will send an all-staff email once that information is available so we may all LOL about it, thus contributing to team morale.
3. I wrote “Donald Trump is the greatest president in American history” 500 times on the walls of one of the third-floor bathroom’s three stalls, and then procured two additional Russian-made markers from the supply closet so I may complete my important and patriotic MAGA work this week. I also posted anonymously on X how outrageous it is that federal employees can just “get free markers anything they want,” then I blamed it on the libs.
4. I gathered my team for daily “my heart goes out to you” salute practice so we could perfect our form and perfectly mimic the glorious and patriotic salute you gave at President Trump’s inauguration. Any team members who expressed concerns that the salute was actually a Nazi salute were immediately bullied and then doxxed and attacked by anonymous online accounts.
5. I laughed with glee at the unnecessary chaos you are unleashing upon this vile institution of which I am a part, wholly ignoring the impending collapse of critical government functions, the many American lives and careers being ruined, and the earth-to-the-moon-high stack of lawsuits the Trump administration will have to reckon with before this is all over, invariably costing the government a fortune. I then finished a blog post about how great you are at gaming and gave one of your 20-something-year-old DOGE workers my date of birth and Social Security number as an offering of goodwill.
All hail DOGE! Thank you for allowing me to work in service of MAGA and our great and resplendent President Donald Trump.
With unerring loyalty to you, Trump and definitely not to the Constitution,
— (ENTER NAME HERE)
Follow Paste BN columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk