Tariffs? Not on that! (Yet.) You're fired! Oops, you're rehired. Trump is all chaos. | Opinion
On tariffs, we are tough and immovable and nobody will mess with us, but we might do something in the middle. We're not exactly sure where the middle is, but rest assured, we will go there strongly.
A quick message from the brilliant and smooth-running Trump administration:
Hello, Americans! We love all Americans. Except for the traitorous Democrats and anyone who speaks ill of President Donald Trump or our other president, Elon Musk. Those people don’t get a “hello.” We retract that “Hello, Americans!” and will soon issue an executive order clarifying that the phrase “Hello, Americans!” only applies to MAGA Americans.
Anyway, we wanted to let you know things are going swimmingly and YOUR president is leading with great consistency and stability.
Consider tariffs. WE LOVE TARIFFS!
That’s why on Tuesday we put 25% tariffs on all Mexican and Canadian imports. BIG, STRONG TARIFFS. We hit them hard, and showed the world we are resolute and tough.
BEHOLD OUR IMMOVABLE TARIFFS, MAYBE!
Well, we did until Wednesday, when we issued a one-month tariff exemption on automobiles. BUT ONLY FOR A MONTH. After that, we will definitely fully tariff everything that is tariff-able.
We do not equivocate and we will not bend. DO NOT DOUBT THE IRON WILL OF THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION. It is our way or a highly tariffed highway.
As Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick told Bloomberg TV on Wednesday: “The president is listening to offers from Mexico and Canada. He’s thinking about trying to do something in the middle.”
YES! Correct.
We are tough and immovable and nobody will mess with us, but we might do something in the middle.
We’re not exactly sure where the middle is, but rest assured, we will go there strongly. Maybe.
Nobody knows what we'll do next, or when – we're craaaazy
Lutnick clearly stated the tariffs will cover “not 100% of all products and not none,” and regarding exemptions, “it could well be autos, it could be others as well.”
It’s this kind of clarity that will strike fear into the hearts of the trading partners we are attacking for no apparent reason.
And it should calm the nerves of any American uncertain how tariffs might impact their cost of living, knowing the Trump administration will 100% slap tariffs on “not 100% of all products and not none.” Only radical leftists wouldn’t understand that kind of clear, predictable thinking.
We know the markets don’t like uncertainty, which is why we are being so perfectly decisive and logical.
The markets are reflecting that clarity, as long as you flip them upside down, which you will have to do under an upcoming executive order called the “Make Stock Market Charts Look Great Again Act.”
Fired. Rehired. Cancelled. Un-cancelled. It all makes sense.
Outside of tariffs, our mission to transform the federal government is both straightforward and comprehensible under Musk’s surgical leadership.
Nothing chaotic is happening in your government, rest assured.
Many people are being fired, and that is happening bigly and strongly. Some who have been fired have later been rehired because we accidentally on purpose fired them before realizing they’re responsible for something we didn’t know they did.
This sensible, straight-line approach to managing people should be applauded by you. (Applauding will be mandatory under the upcoming “Domestic Applause Requirement Act,” which we’ll later learn is unconstitutional and then override with the “Domestic Applause Requirement Act Revocation Act.”)
We have been masculinely and with great force eradicating WASTE AND FRAUD in our government while smartly and simultaneously reintroducing things we thought were waste and fraud that turned out to be necessary to keep our nuclear weapons from exploding underground and wiping out the western half of the nation.
We have also brilliantly cancelled something called “Ebola prevention” because we thought “Ebola” was a made-up word, and then efficiently lied about restoring money to Ebola prevention because we still don’t believe it’s a real word, and you never hear of any billionaires catching Ebola anyway.
Our enemies are our friends, our allies are our enemies
We kicked the president of Ukraine out of the White House after insulting him, because that’s how you make deals. And we have tricked all of Europe into thinking we’re now the bad guys while also sucking up to Russia, leaving the world unable to figure out whose side we’re on or what we’re doing, or why.
To be honest, we’re not even sure what day it is. We’ll decide what day it is. In fact, we’re going to call this Golfday, because we can do whatever we want. All calendars must now be changed to include Golfday. Anyone who points out that an eight-day week will mess everything up gets a free trip to Guantanamo.
You see? This is the kind of steady, practical leadership Republicans sought. The Trump administration is delivering vigorously for the American people it views as actual Americans.
Or maybe we’re not. Who knows? Things are changing about every 17 seconds over here anyway.
Bye!
— The Trump Administration
Follow Paste BN columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk