Welcome back to Earth, astronauts! Um, a few things have changed since you left. | Opinion
Welcome back from the ISS, Suni Williams and Butch Wilmore! Before you officially 're-enter' our country, we are going to need you both to present your passports and proof of citizenship.
TO: NASA astronauts Suni Williams and Butch Wilmore
FROM: The Trump Administration
SUBJECT: Welcome back! There have been a few changes.
On behalf of your rescuing savior President Donald Trump, the greatest president in the history of the United States, we would like to welcome you both back to Earth, which is now referred to as “The Planet of America.”
It was exhilarating to see you all touchdown safely Tuesday in a SpaceX Dragon capsule, which was handcrafted by President Trump’s brilliant and generous best friend, Elon Musk. To show your appreciation, we ask that each of you now buy a Tesla. (Please note that the Trump administration has shut down EV chargers at federal buildings, so you’ll want to make sure your AMAZING new Tesla is fully charged before driving to NASA headquarters. We assure you this all makes a great deal of sense.)
Anyhoo, as you may have noticed from that previous paragraph, things here on the Planet of America have changed a bit since you all left more than nine months ago.
The Gulf of Mexico is now the Gulf of America. All the Jan. 6 rioters who were in prison have been pardoned for reasons. And a guy who spent much of his life claiming vaccines are dangerous is now in charge of America’s health, and he’s suggesting we deal with bird flu by just kind of letting it spread. (Oh, yeah. We now have bird flu! And measles!)
Our country is now more “democracy-ish” than a full-on democracy; the president doesn’t listen to judges, and the administration has taken to rounding up people, denying them due process, and flying them to bad places. You will both consider all of these things to be good developments, and you will praise President Trump for his strength and fortitude, assuming you do not wish to be returned to space. LOL! Just kidding! (We are not actually kidding. You should take this very seriously.)
Also, it is now very patriotic to not check your 401(k). You wouldn't want to be unpatriotic, would you?
Naturally, the administration is excited to see both of you back safe and sound, although strict new federal rules on diversity, equity and inclusion require us to be happier to see astronaut Wilmore – a white man! – than astronaut Williams. The days of a female astronaut being recognized are over, and the fact that Williams “surpassed former NASA astronaut Peggy Whitson’s record for total spacewalking time by a female astronaut” will obviously be erased from all government websites. MAGA!
Before you officially “re-enter” our country, we are going to need you both to present your passports and proof of citizenship. Actually, we’re going to just need Williams to do that. The name “Suni” raised some red flags. We trust Wilmore. He seems fine. Guys named Butch are always welcome.
In the event astronaut Williams does not meet the Trump administration’s current criteria for entry into the United States, she will be temporarily housed, at no cost to her, in a holding cell at Guantanamo or in an El Salvadoran prison. Or possibly launched back into space if Mr. Musk has a rocket he would like to test. (Don’t worry, it will be fine. Those things only explode sometimes.)
As you can see, America has improved dramatically during your time among the stars, and we are excited for you both to tell everyone how much better our country is now, assuming you know what’s good for you.
Welcome home to the world's greatest country, thanks to President Donald J. Trump.
Oh, and by the way, Mr. Musk has defunded NASA, so you’re both fired.
MAGA!
— The Trump administration
Follow Paste BN columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk