Trump's 'Liberation Day' is here! Free me from the tyranny of my stable 401(k)! | Opinion
The stock market is off to its worst start since 2022, and I, for one, am thrilled to be liberated from the chance of an early retirement.
WOOO-HOOOOO! Welcome to President Donald “Tariff Man” Trump’s "Liberation Day"!
I’ve been waiting for this day like it’s Christmas in April, and I am PUMPED AND READY to be liberated from whatever it is President Trump will be liberating us from. It might be the tyranny of low-priced goods or the weighty yoke of a strong stock market. I’m not sure.
What I do know is that our liberation will come via tariffs, which are always great and effective. I know that because the president says they are always great and effective and goober-ish “economists” say they are not. SHUT UP, NUMBER-NERD ECONOMISTS! WHY WOULD I BELIEVE YOU WHEN I CAN BELIEVE A MAN WHO WANTS TO SELL ME A BIBLE WITH HIS NAME ON IT?!?
I can't wait for Trump's 'Liberation Day'! It'll be good to get liberated.
Trump recently posted on social media: “April 2nd is Liberation Day in America!!! For DECADES, we have been ripped off and abused by every nation in the World, both friend and foe. Now it is finally time for the Good Ol’ USA to get some of that MONEY, and RESPECT, BACK. GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!”
Hell yeah! I know Liberation Day will be a good thing because the president of the United States used three exclamation points. GET PSYCHED, AMERICA!!!
Trump has a clear tariff plan that is in no way chaotic, random or confusing
The Trump administration has clearly laid out the plan for Liberation Day. There will either be tariffs on every country or tariffs on specific countries, and the tariffs might be 20% across the board, or there might be different rates for different countries, and they will either be “lenient” or they might be harsh – we’ll see!
But they have been totally decided on and could also change and won’t be announced until a 4 p.m. event Wednesday in the White House Rose Garden.
That is all fantastic because if there’s one thing markets hate, it’s uncertainty, and I’m sick and tired of the so-called markets being coddled by liberal certainty. The stock market is off to its worst start since 2022, and I, for one, am thrilled to be liberated from the chance of an early retirement.
Is it possible Liberation Day might lead to rising prices, stagflation or, as Moody’s Analytics chief economist Mark Zandi told CNN, “a serious recession” and “a wipeout for the economy”?
Sure. But the epic loss of jobs will be worth it because President Trump will have liberated us from the Biden economy, which received harsh reviews from researchers at the University of Chicago who noted it “far outpaced that of our peer nations” while cruelly creating low unemployment and higher business investment.
Please patriotically say goodbye to your 401(k) retirement plan
Harris Faulkner of Fox News said President Trump should talk to “401(k) people” who might be worried about the Liberation Day tariffs: “Look, when this nation used to go to war, people in this country would support the war effort with their materials at home and making things for weaponry and all that. We have got to do 100% buy-in over this bumpy period.”
That’s a great point. Like all wars America intentionally started without reason or provocation, this trade war Trump has smartly launched might require us to build our own backyard Retirement Gardens, engage in some light food rationing, and possibly send one or two of our children to work the mines so we can pay rent.
But if that’s the price of liberating us from a strong economy that, until a few months ago, was the envy of the world, so be it.
Trump's tariffs will make America great again by destroying the economy
CNN recently reported: “Consumer confidence has crumbled, unemployment fears have spiked, and inflation expectations have surged to multidecade highs.”
HUZZAH! If that’s what FAKE NEWS CNN is reporting, then Trump must be doing something right.
The New York Times reported: “Trade policy experts agree that American consumers will most likely bear the cost of the new U.S. tariffs.”
That’s right, lamestream media. I will gladly pay more for everyday goods and products if it liberates me from having to pay less for everyday goods and products. Sometimes, being a patriot means not believing in math. Losers.
Anyway, I hope my fellow Americans have a joyous Liberation Day and relish the freedom of potential economic ruin. You have my gratitude, President Trump. I’d send a thank-you card if only my Retirement Garden held the $20,000 necessary to buy one.
Follow Paste BN columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk