Do the right thing, cardinals. Pick a MAGA pope and let the prayer tariffs begin. | Opinion
We want you all to seriously consider picking a pope who embraces President Trump's best qualities, which of course are all of his qualities.
Because I love President Donald Trump and America, I’ve put together a letter the administration can send to the papal conclave in Vatican City, strongly suggesting the cardinals pick a pope who aligns with MAGA.
Dear cardinals:
The glorious and incredibly popular Trump administration would like to offer some advice as you go about selecting the next Vicar of Christ.
As you all undoubtedly know, President Donald Trump won the 2024 presidential election by a massive landslide, just as he won the rigged and unfair 2020 election that Sleepy Joe Biden stole. Put simply, everyone loves Trump, and everything he does is perfect. Some might even call him infallible. Many are saying that. Just the other day, a big cardinal came along – huge, tough-looking cardinal – and he had tears in his eyes and said, “President Trump, I only wish we could have a pope like you.”
So with that in mind, we want you all to seriously consider picking a pope who embraces President Trump’s best qualities, which, of course, are all of his qualities.
To be clear, when we say “seriously consider,” that is not a threat that America would use military force to take over the Vatican for “strategic national security reasons.” It’s also not a nonthreat. Just ask Greenland. You all have some very nice gold decor that piques the president’s interest.
A key quality in a MAGA pope would be a willingness to rid the Catholic Church of costly and outdated concepts like “asking forgiveness.” No more penance, no more demonization of so-called sins. You say whatever will benefit you, like insisting you won a presidential election that you lost, and you never back down. The new pope must have a strict “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy when it comes to lies and other “woke” concepts like infidelity, corruption, mild treason, dehumanization and bullying.
Next, the church’s days of denouncing greed must end. The idea that money is the root of all evil does not align with President Trump’s ongoing cryptocurrency ventures or his widespread MAGA merchandising. We would encourage a pope who respects capitalism, believes the billionaires shall inherit the earth, and thinks money is the root of all that is awesome.
In addition, would it hurt to have a pontiff who isn’t quite so opposed to cruelty? Like that one line from Proverbs: “A man who is kind benefits himself, but a cruel man hurts himself.” A smart MAGA pope, one who oversees a Vatican, might consider toning that down a bit.
President Trump has done lots of cruel things, and it’s yet to hurt him.
We understand you may have concerns about such changes, but imagine how a Trumpy pope would help the Catholic Church.
You all seem to love the color red and hats. Well, guess what? So does the MAGA movement! We in the Trump administration would be more than willing to help you all move MAGA (Make Angels Great Again) merch. You’ll be swimming in money, even after we take our cut.
Also, as you know, we love deporting people! A MAGA pope would be free to deport riffraff he doesn’t like from the Vatican, particularly any disreputable poor people looking for a free papal foot wash. Just call them criminals or gang members, and off they go.
And if you’re not already convinced, we have two words for you: prayer tariffs. For far too long, the church has been taken advantage of by freeloading people who pray. The prayerful get whatever they want from a kind and loving God, but what does the Catholic Church get? Nothing. You’re getting robbed!
Slapping a reasonable tariff on prayers would fill the Vatican’s coffers in no time, allowing officials there to buy more things made of gold. And as President Trump has shown, gold-liness is next to godliness.
So do the right thing, cardinals. Pick a MAGA pope. Unless you want Vatican City to be renamed Godtown USA.
Follow Paste BN columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk