Rock Creek is full of feces? Please. Do your own research like RFK Jr. and dive in! | Opinion
Step down the banks of this not-safe-for-swimming creek, and together we shall do as Health Secretary RFK Jr. does and bathe in the healing sewage!
Gather beside me, fellow Americans, here at the outlet of this combined sewer overflow. Join me in following the lead of our nation’s highest-ranking health official, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. Step down the banks of this not-safe-for-swimming creek, and together we shall do as Kennedy does and bathe in the healing sewage!
Like most reasonable people who do their own research, I believe everything Kennedy says or does is correct. So when I read about the U.S. Secretary of Health and Human Services spending Mother's Day taking his grandchildren for a swim in a sewage-contaminated Washington, DC, waterway, I knew filth-water was the path toward optimal health.
Kennedy and his kin submerged themselves in Rock Creek, which the Washington Post describes like this: “The creek has widespread ‘fecal’ contamination and high levels of bacteria, including E. coli, and the city has banned swimming in all of its waterways for more than 50 years because of the widespread contamination of Rock Creek and other nearby rivers.”
I trust RFK Jr., so I, too, shall take my family to swim in sewage
The National Park Service describes Rock Creek on its website as having “high bacteria levels” and “other infectious pathogens” that are “a hazard to human (and pet) health.”
So I ask you this: Who are you going to believe? The government and the mainstream media, or the sewage-soaked man in the government who once exposed the truth behind high-speed wireless technology by saying, without stooping to the level of those who demand “evidence”: “They're putting in 5G to harvest our data and control our behavior. Digital currency that will allow them to punish us from a distance and cut off our food supply.”
I know which side I’m going to trust with my family’s health. So I say, “Take me to the river, Secretary Kennedy. And make sure it’s rich in bacteria.”
Clearly, Kennedy knows something we don't about E. coli
This new government-encouraged health trend of natural, outdoor sewage baths is, I assume, a way of harnessing the power of bacteria and the body’s natural cleansing system – violent diarrhea – to make ourselves impervious to the ills of Big Pharma.
Either that or Kennedy was looking for another parasitic worm to replace the one that ate part of his brain and died.
Swimming in sewage might be Kennedy's new measles treatment
Whatever the reason for Kennedy dunking himself and his grandkids in poop, it makes as much sense to me as his recent decision to have government health agencies address the worst measles outbreak in 25 years by investigating alternative treatments for the disease, like Vitamin A.
After all, the measles vaccine is only 97% effective, while taking Vitamin A directly after swimming in the untreated part of a sewage treatment plant is Who-Knows% effective.
Dr. Aniruddha Hazra, director of the University of Chicago’s Infectious Diseases Fellowship Program, told Scientific American: “There is no effective treatment for measles.”
Like my fellow E. coli enthusiast Kennedy, I’m not in the pocket of Big Knows What They’re Talking About, so I’m going to assume the truth is the opposite of what the person infinitely smarter than I am says.
Who are you going to trust? Scientists, or a guy swimming in sewage?
Sure, almost all measles cases in this outbreak “have occurred in people who have not been vaccinated or whose status is unknown.” But I doubt any of those people had relatives nice enough to take them for a dip in a fetid drainage ditch then stuff them full of vitamins that haven’t been reviewed by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration because of all the health regulators fired on Kennedy’s watch.
You see? It all makes sense if you don’t think about it and instead listen to the sludge-scented man Republicans decided was most qualified to oversee our nation’s health.
Now get out there and find a refreshing, pathogen-rich canal where you and your family can heal. Who knows? You might just make a friend*.
*parasitic brain worm
Follow Paste BN columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk