Not so 'beautiful' bill: GOP cuts Medicaid, SNAP to give billionaires a handout | Opinion
Our bill embraces preserves the 2017 Trump tax cuts that helped save millionaires and billionaires money, all of which we imagine trickled down to less valuable people like yourselves.
Hi there! I’m from the Republican Party, here to explain to you non-billionaires why our tax and spending cuts bill, which we call the “One Big Beautiful Bill Act,” because we’re totally normal-sounding people, should not worry you one bit.
First, we guarantee this massive bill will not do a thing to hurt rich people. We know that’s a big concern for non-rich people, who we lovingly call “expendable voters," so you’re welcome for taking that worry off your presumably not gold-embossed plate.
Our fantastic bill embraces President Donald Trump’s MAGA agenda and preserves the 2017 Trump tax cuts that helped save millionaires and billionaires money, all of which we imagine trickled down to less valuable people like yourselves. (If no money trickled down upon you, that is the fault of Crooked Joe Biden and the radical Democrats.)
GOP tax bill will help hardworking Americans by denying them health insurance
Put simply, our bill – by cutting hundreds of billions from Medicaid and the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program – will spare millions of hardworking American from the indignity of having health insurance or “food” while making sure people like Elon Musk, President Trump and others who don’t want to hear about your problems get extra jets.
The nonpartisan Penn Wharton Budget Model describes the bill like this: “High-income households gain the most while lower-income households gain less or even lose, depending on how the spending cuts are distributed.”
Or as we in the GOP like to call it: Perfect.
Millions will lose Medicaid coverage, more will go hungry? Bingo!
The Congressional Budget Office estimated the Medicaid cuts in our bill will result in 7.6 million Americans going uninsured by 2034. That’s 7.6 million Americans who don’t have to worry about annoying medical appointments. You’re welcome!
The New York Times, which we believe is Fake News except for certain occasions like this, used the Penn Wharton Budget Model’s analysis of our bill to report that “the top 0.1 percent, including those with incomes over $4.3 million, would gain on average more than $389,000 in after-tax income in 2026.”
Huzzah!
(Sadly, the Times slipped back into Fake-News mode by also reporting: “People making between about $17,000 and $51,000 could lose about $700 on average in after-tax income beginning in 2026, according to the analysis, when factoring in both wages and federal aid. That reduction would worsen over the next eight years. People reporting less than $17,000 in income would see a reduction closer to $1,000, on average, also increasing over time, a shortfall that underscores their reliance on federal benefits.” We strongly disavow all of that because we don’t want you to believe it’s true.)
Republicans struggle to find a way to make their bill more cruel
The bottom line is this: Our Big Beautiful Billionaire-Buoying Bill is amazing, and the only problem is that it doesn’t do quite enough to alleviate poor people from the stress of being alive.
We tried to pass the bill out of committee on May 16, but a number of Republican lawmakers voted against it because they don’t think it does enough to cut spending. While we understand and appreciate our colleagues' commitment to Discreet Pauper Reduction (DPR), we feel confident we’ll be able to find a modicum of additional cruelty that will help move the bill along so we can begin finding other ways to comfort the comfortable.
Look at all the fun ways Trump is spending your money
We at the Republican Party recognize that certain liberal scolds claim the fiscal policies in our Big Beautiful Billionaires-Rule/Poors-Drool Bill reflect a lack of concern for the “forgotten men and women of America” President Trump has long promised to protect. That’s true only if you believe the lie that the forgotten men and women of America don’t want the president and other wealthy people to be happy while spending taxpayer money on performative nonsense.
For example, the Middle Eastern nation of Qatar has offered President Trump a FREE palace-in-the-sky jet that would cost America a reported $1 billion to retrofit into a usable Air Force One. It’s easy for a liberal to say, “perhaps that money should be spent helping Americans,” but that kind of thinking wholly overlooks the fact that President Trump really wants to fly around in a palace.
Would you deny President Trump a fancy parade? Heck, no!
The U.S. Department of Homeland Security is planning on buying a new, $50 million Gulfstream V jet so Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem has something nice to travel in. Can any serious person suggest a better way to use that money?
The president is planning a $45 million Washington, DC, military parade for his birthday in June. We feel confident that most patriotic Americans would give up their health insurance and allow their children to go hungry to accommodate President Trump’s well-deserved celebration of himself.
And the government has already spent $21 million flying migrants to Guantanamo Bay. There are presently about 30 migrants housed there. Can any U.S. citizen honestly say that’s not well worth the money?
Of course not.
We feel confident our Big Beautiful LOL! You Voted For It Suckers! Bill is right in line with the way we here at the GOP are governing: America’s rich people first, cool jets and political stunts second, expendable voters last.
MAGA!
Follow Paste BN columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk