Did Donald Trump eat Jeffrey Epstein's client list? Logic suggests he did. | Opinion
Attorney General Pam Bondi teased the Epstein's client list on Fox News, saying: 'It's sitting on my desk right now to review.' And now you want to tell me the client list is a myth?
After considering the Trump administration’s announcement that Jeffrey Epstein’s notorious client list doesn't exist, and having carefully reviewed all available evidence on the internet that aligns with my beliefs, I’ve reached this unfortunate conclusion: President Donald Trump ate Epstein’s client list.
It’s with a heavy heart that I share this undoubtedly accurate revelation. Like many of my fellow MAGA enthusiasts, I believed President Trump would pull the curtain back on the whole Epstein cover-up, showing the world once and for all that the convicted sex offender was being protected by a vast cabal of elites who ran child sex-trafficking rings out of pizza shops and whatnot.
On July 7, Monday, to the shock of those of us who do our own research, the Justice Department and the FBI released a memo saying a “systematic review revealed no incriminating ‘client list.’ ”
The memo added: “There was also no credible evidence found that Epstein blackmailed prominent individuals as part of his actions.”
Trump administration officials say no Epstein client list exists? Yeah, right.
What an absolute outrage. I did not devote years of my life to believing Donald Trump would tear down an insidious global pedophilia ring and release troves of evidence exposing people I hate just to read an unsigned memo that disproves my elaborate conspiracy theories.
The memo has the audacity to state: “One of our highest priorities is combatting child exploitation and bringing justice to victims. Perpetuating unfounded theories about Epstein serves neither of those ends.”
WHAT?!? It seems like half the Trump administration is made up of people who encouraged me to perpetuate unfounded theories about Epstein.
FBI Director Kash Patel, in a 2023 interview, spoke about Epstein’s client list as a “black book” and said: “To me, that’s a thing President Trump should run on. On Day 1, roll out the black book.”
Musk isn't buying what DOJ and FBI are selling on Epstein
In February, Attorney General Pam Bondi teased Epstein’s client list on Fox News, saying: “It’s sitting on my desk right now to review.”
And now you want to tell me the client list is a myth?
On Tuesday, July 8 ‒ the day after the Trump administration’s announcement ‒ Elon Musk, the richest man in the world, claimed longtime Trump associate Steve Bannon “is in the Epstein files.”
Musk did not provide evidence because that would be suspicious, but I believe him because he regularly says things that confirm my suspicions.
Musk also shared a post from conservative activist Sarah Fields that read: “If the entire government is protecting pedophiles, it has officially become the government against the people. I hope you all understand that.”
A cover-up won't make Epstein conspiracy theorists go away
The same day, GOP Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene wrote on X: “No one believes there is not a client list.”
Sensible conspiracy theorist Alex Jones reacted to the Epstein news in a video in which he said, accurately: “What? What? What? Dammit.”
I couldn’t agree more. Jones also said he was “physically gonna puke” because seeing the Trump administration do this “tears my guts out.” He added: “The left, they’re all complicit, they’re openly promoting pedophilia. We know they’re pure evil.”
'There are other dark forces at play here'
Right-wing deep thinker Benny Johnson wrote on X: “To say there are thousands of ‘victims’ in a convicted sex trafficking ring and then to say there were no ‘customers’ when the operation happened right before our very eyes insults our intelligence. Trafficking women to no one? I don’t buy it. There are other dark forces at play here.”
And yet, in a Tuesday Cabinet meeting, Trump dressed down a reporter who asked about the Epstein files: “Are you still talking about Jeffrey Epstein? This guy’s been talked about for years. … Are people still talking about this guy, this creep? That is unbelievable.”
No, Mr. President.
What’s unbelievable is that you haven’t given the faithful exactly what we want, which is documented evidence confirming everything we believe about Epstein so our friends and families will stop calling us “weirdos” and “nutters” and telling us we need to “get off the computer” and “find a more productive use of our time.”
What really happened to the Epstein client list?
This leads me to the most likely explanation for the Trump administration’s about-face on all things Epstein. We have seen numerous photos and read news reports of President Trump eating fast food. That tells us two things: He’s good at eating, and he has a stomach that can handle anything.
We have also seen many photos of Trump with Epstein. So we know the two were friends, a fact we MAGA conspiracy theorists have largely ignored because it makes our brains hurt and conflicts with our narratives.
Bondi, the attorney general, already told us the Epstein client list was sitting on her desk. So it doesn’t take an expert logician to assume Trump walked by Bondi’s desk, saw the list, spotted his name on it, then grabbed the list and devoured it like a bucket of KFC.
Do your own research on Trump and the Epstein files, folks
I’m not saying that’s exactly what happened or that any of it is true. I’m just asking people to look at the facts I’m making up and come to their own conclusions, much like what Musk and Greene and Jones and Patel and Fields and Johnson have repeatedly asked us to do.
I hope someone passes this sensible theory along to Mr. Musk so he can share it on his massive platform. And while I hate to implicate the president in this scandal, I’m sure the truth will come out. Though given Trump’s seemingly fiber-less diet, I can’t estimate exactly when that will happen.
Follow Paste BN columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk