I'm glad Trump is gutting the EPA. My family's tire-burning business is on fire! | Opinion
The glorious news that the Trump administration is basically disavowing the very idea of climate change (HOAX!) rattled all the eco-losers out there.
Every morning I wake up, open the doors to my family tire-burning and tainted-meat-sales business and thank God for President Donald J. Trump.
We have learned that the Environmental Protection Agency is going to do away with its woke and anti-tire-fire-business belief that greenhouse gas emissions are a danger to human health. According to Paste BN – which I don’t read – EPA head Lee Zeldin said getting rid of the “endangerment finding” of 2009 will “save Americans money and unravel two decades of regulation aimed at reducing carbon dioxide, methane and other greenhouse gases from cars, power plants, oil production and other sources.”
It’s about freakin’ time. I’ve been in the outdoor tire-burning business for more than two decades, and I know firsthand my burn pit’s emissions don’t present any health risks. My remaining half-lung is healthier than ever (only weak soy boys need two lungs) thanks to the strength it built up through years of asthma.
Trump knows EPA has no business protecting the environment
And don’t get me started on climate change. The higher the temperatures, the easier it is to stand next to a pile of burning radial tires for hours a day without noticing a temperature difference. Heck, we’re even saving money on matches and kerosene because the summers are so hot the tires just spontaneously combust.
The glorious news that the Trump administration is basically disavowing the very idea of climate change (HOAX!) rattled all the eco-losers out there, including Scott Saleska, professor of ecology and evolutionary biology at the University of Arizona, who told The Associated Press: “To repeal the endangerment finding now would be like a driver who is speeding towards a cliff taking his foot off the brake and instead pressing the accelerator.”
Damn right, Prof. Scaredy Cat. Everyone knows you hit the accelerator when approaching a cliff. You don’t want to hit the kick-ass canyon-jumping ramp going slow. That’s a little thing called “fun” – maybe look it up in one of those books you claim contain “facts.”
Deregulating food safety is a win for tainted-meat sellers and customers
Anyway, thanks to President Trump, the tire-burning arm of my family’s business is about to boom, just like our tainted-meat sales spiked earlier this year after MY president issued an executive order doing away with the Department of Agriculture's National Advisory Committee on Meat and Poultry Inspection and the National Advisory Committee on Microbiological Criteria for Foods.
We here at the Huppke Flaming Tire and Cheap Meat Emporium say the more deregulation, the better – especially when it comes to food. Since that executive order, our unrefrigerated, fresh-from-Interstate-57, week-old cuts of venison and “mystery protein” have been selling like unregulated lead-based hotcakes.
Government can't stop me from selling tire fire-smoked jerky
We used to have to hide the fact that we smoke our delicious precooked meats over the artisanal tire fires, but not anymore. And the money we’re saving on fly control … it’s a real boon to businesses like mine that believe meat in any condition is suitable for human consumption as long as you tell the customers to cook it a good long time so they don’t get the trots.
With the extra money we’re making, we’ll now be able to hire another tire fire tender, since the last one died of a rare combination of heat exhaustion and mystery-jerky poisoning.
God bless you, President Trump! And thank you for not caring about the cancer cluster in the town downwind of our business. Only a lib would think there’s some kind of connection!
Follow Paste BN columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk