Trump brings back dreaded Presidential Fitness Test. Let's see him run a mile. | Opinion
Many of us look back on this once-mandatory fitness test with fond memories of the fear and anxiety it provoked and the feelings of inadequacy we healthily buried in the deepest recesses of our minds.
President Donald Trump is following through on his bold commitment to traumatize all Americans, regardless of age, by reinstating the Presidential Fitness Test for schoolchildren.
Many of us look back on this once-mandatory fitness test with fond memories of the fear and anxiety it provoked and the feelings of inadequacy we healthily buried in the deepest recesses of our minds. For me, a middle schooler who wore jeans cruelly labeled “Husky,” running 1 mile in the Florida heat and finishing close to last while crying undoubtedly forged me into the man I am today: a chiseled physical specimen with fabulously low self-esteem and an abundance of insecurity.
The fitness test – which included everything from push-ups to sit-ups to the aforementioned run – started in the 1960s, back when emotionally torturing children was legal. It invariably pitted the jocks against the non-jocks and made those who couldn’t excel at the various exercises feel like week-old meatloaf.
Obama rightly did away with dreaded Presidential Fitness Test ...
President Barack Obama ended the program in 2012, replacing it with an approach to fitness that focused on the abilities of individual students and encouraged healthier lifelong behavior.
Trump, naturally, wants to return America to its imagined glory days, back when bullying was encouraged and physical fitness centered around exercises we now know can lead to gym-aversion and a lifetime of lower back pain.
... so, of course, Trump is bringing the traumatic test back
On July 31, Thursday, the president famous for his love of fast food and riding around a golf course slumped over the steering wheel of a motorized cart proudly signed an executive order telling American schoolchildren to stop being such puny weaklings.
“This was a wonderful tradition," Trump said incorrectly, "and we’re bringing it back."
Because sanity died earlier this year, Trump is putting Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., a sentient slab of beef jerky who eats roadkill, in charge of the new test, which one can assume will involve challenges like: drinking a gallon of raw milk then waiting to see if you die from a listeria infection, running away from scientific evidence and swimming a half-mile in a sewage pond.
Trump and 'fitness' don't exactly seem to go together
As a Presidential Fitness Test victim and survivor, I wholeheartedly endorse Trump’s decision to bring back this dreadful idea, under one condition: Donald Trump must run 1 mile on live television.
That’s it. That’s the deal.
People around Trump are constantly bragging about how healthy and robust and amazing he is, even though he looks like he’d get winded walking to the chicken nuggets chafing dish at the Mar-a-Lago buffet.
Fox News host Jesse Watters recently said: "Trump golfs. He has dad strength. You know dad strength? He doesn’t look like he’s in shape, but when he grabs you – one time my father grabbed me, and I was like, ‘Oh, my God this guy is stronger than I am!’ "
We can delve more into the daddy issues behind that weird comment another time, but for now I say this: Let’s see Trump crush a 1-mile run. We can make it a global pay-per-view event and likely make enough to pay down the national debt Trump has swollen with his big, beautiful tax bill.
If our "strong" president wants to bring back a dreaded and pointless fitness test, he needs to put his jogging loafers where his mouth is. On your mark, get set ... everybody laugh.
Follow Paste BN columnist Rex Huppke on Bluesky at @rexhuppke.bsky.social and on Facebook at facebook.com/RexIsAJerk