New Year's resolutions we'd like to see

In 2021, I resolve to ...

… buy the nondrip hair dye. —Presidential lawyer Rudy Giuliani

… buy a fly swatter. —Vice President Mike Pence

… inject vaccine, not bleach. —President Donald Trump

… take a vaccine for foot-in-mouth disease. —President-elect Joe Biden

… decorate Mar-a-Lago with all that (bleeping) Christmas stuff. —Outgoing first lady Melania Trump

… hang a “doctor is in” shingle in my new office. —Incoming first lady Jill Biden

… chillax. —House Speaker Nancy “Scissorhands” Pelosi

… show at least some awareness that there is an invention called videotape, which can be used to compare what I said then with what I’m saying now. —Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell

… consider how I might look on a cellphone video before I call your manager! —A Karen

… use only a certified Apple repair shop. —Hunter Biden

… use my “inside” voice. —Kimberly Guilfoyle

… build a better caucus app. —The Iowa Democratic Party

… see the wizard about getting a heart. —Presidential aide Stephen Miller

… set the alarm. —Sean Penn

… stay home for the holidays. —Mayor Steve Adler, D-Austin, who warned Austinites not to travel but was in Mexico.

… order takeout. —Gov. Gavin Newsom, D-Calif., who attended a birthday dinner for a dozen people at a posh restaurant.

… brace for season 32 of “The Crown.” —Prince Harry and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex

… keep an eye on the pool boy. —Jerry Falwell Jr.

… hit “Stop Video” on Zoom. —Legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin

… fly back to East Asia. —The murder hornets

… fade away, and take 2020 with me. —The coronavirus

Happy New Year!