A weekend date and unspoken expectations: This college experience shouldn't be typical

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My phone screen lit up with an iMessage from an unknown number. A fraternity guy was inviting me to be his date on an overnight fraternity weekend trip – we were being set up by mutual friends. I was 20, a junior at Georgia Tech. 

An invitation to a fraternity weekend trip is exclusive. In Greek life across the country, weekend trips are hosted by fraternities, not sororities. Because it is an invitation-only event, a weekend trip is a signal to you and your friends that you are special. 

I said yes. A few friends were going on the trip to Asheville, North Carolina, and I was excited to be a part of the insider crowd. We drove from Atlanta and checked into the lodge. My date handed me a set of keys and told me we were in the second cabin and our room was the master suite. Our room. 

A weekend away and unspoken expectations

I remember slowly grabbing the key and heading toward the cabin as I frantically played out scenarios in my head. How could I get out of this? Could I find my friend and room with her instead? Sharing a bed meant something physical could happen. With alcohol involved, I knew that probability was significantly higher. 

In Greek life, an invitation to a weekend away comes with unspoken expectations. The fraternity brother typically invites a date and pays for her lodging and meals – creating a dynamic where the woman feels like she “owes” the guy. The feeling of obligation extends to the bedroom. Dates default to sharing a room and sleeping in the same bed, regardless of how well they know each other.

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While the origins of this tradition are unclear, they are longstanding and carried out in Greek life across the nation: Georgia Tech, Texas A&M, Purdue and the University of Southern California, to name a few.

Unwanted sexual contact in the Greek community

One in 4 undergraduate women experience nonconsensual sexual contact by force or inability to consent, according to a survey from the Association of American Universities. 

Within the Greek community, the figures are worse. Greek women are four times as likely as non-Greek women to have experienced sexual assault. The default of sharing a bed contributes to these statistics.  

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When my date and I went to bed that night at the lodge, I avoided being near him as we changed into pajamas and brushed our teeth. I stayed up as long as possible to ensure that he fell asleep before me. When I finally got in bed, I turned away from him and curled into a tight ball – cellphone nearby. Nothing happened, but that wasn’t the case for many sorority sisters. One friend had to repeatedly fend off her date. Another felt so uncomfortable sharing a bed with her date that she had an older sister drive hours to pick her up. 

Within Greek life, you will hear countless versions of these stories – some with painful endings. Practices that degrade women still flourish on our campuses. Stopping them is not only the right thing to do for the safety of the students but also for the survival of the Greek system. 

Don't end Greek life, fix it

Across the country, students are calling for the end of Greek life. And for good reason. It is well known that the Greek system plays a role in perpetuating harassment, substance abuse and elitism. There is much more than sharing a bed that needs to change. 

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However, at a formative moment in young adulthood, Greek life can also be a very positive environment. It gives students an opportunity to belong to a community, form friendships, find mentors and take on serious leadership roles. Which is why the sharing of a cold bed with a semi-stranger was a sharp juxtaposition to the warmth I felt from my sorority.

Fraternity presidents should make sharing beds opt-in, not opt-out. A sign-up sheet ahead of time and bedrooms for women only would do the trick. Sorority presidents should work with the fraternities to facilitate this change. They can dedicate time in chapter meetings to address the sharing of beds and reassure members that they are not obligated. 

Yvonne Ploder is a graduate of Georgia Tech who just received her MBA at Stanford.