I wrote about my experience with a Greek life date tradition. The responses gave me hope.
I hope this is a step toward reform of expectations on these common trips.
Earlier this month I wrote in Paste BN about a troubling practice in Greek life: When a fraternity brother invites a date and pays for her meals and lodging, with the expectation being that they share a room and sleep in the same bed, regardless of how well they know each other.
After writing about my experience, I received more than 50 private messages, many recounting similar and painful experiences. They told me about the anxiety they experienced with the sleeping arrangements, the unwanted expectations and the pressure to conform.
A feeling of validation
The messages were overwhelming. On one hand, I was upset that so many other people had experienced such discomfort, to put it mildly, thanks to this disturbing tradition. On the other hand, I felt validated – it is nerve-wracking to speak up against a community and tradition that you were a part of.
I often questioned whether or not people would believe my story or see it the same way. The volume of responses I received proved it was a story worth writing.
The messages I got back
One woman publicly responded, recounting when she was uninvited from a weekend trip her freshman year after she asked her date if she could stay with a girlfriend instead of him. He told her that sleeping in the same bed was part of the deal.
My Greek experience: A weekend date and unspoken expectations: This college experience shouldn't be typical
She never said yes to another weekend trip. Another woman described a guy who was “trying too much” – until she had to threaten to leave if he didn’t stop. He did. Others thanked me for writing about a tradition they also had always thought destructive. Some were fraternity brothers themselves, noting that they, too, were uncomfortable with the tradition.
Then my date responded
A few people called for the abolition of the Greek system, an argument playing out across the nation with which I do not necessarily agree. Significant reform yes, complete abolition no. But perhaps the most meaningful message came from the man (my date) to whom I referred in the article. While I never named him or even his fraternity, he reached out.
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I was nervous to read the message. But his heartfelt note apologized for making me feel uncomfortable. He acknowledged that the system needs to change. He concluded by noting that, as an active member of his fraternity's alumni association where he mentors brothers, he will call attention to the circumstances I described. The responses I received made me feel sad but also affirmed and hopeful.
I hope this is a step toward reform of expectations on these common trips.
Yvonne Ploder is a graduate of Georgia Tech who just received her MBA at Stanford.