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That election conversation you're dreading may be an act of love this Thanksgiving | Opinion


Your goal isn't to change the other's mind, but to touch their heart and be 3% more loving. Seek the mind and you'll often get nowhere. Seek the heart and you may get both.

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Can political conversation be an act of love this Thanksgiving? In the wake of a tumultuous election, that seems impossible. But consider how my students typically talk with others about hot topics. 

It's not uncommon for them to find themselves with family or friends where someone drops political bombshells, igniting conflicts. In the past, my students would endure in silence or wind up in emotional arguments. But now, using their training, they take a new approach.

When a family member or friend says something provocative, they calmly suggest private conversation over coffee. Typically the other agrees. There, using their training, they notice their family member or friend gradually become calmer, more respectful and more attentive.

Surprisingly, the student's counterpart becomes more open than before, more comfortable acknowledging the student's points and more collaborative. They even want to have more conversation later. In short, my students turn heated political discussion into acts of kindness and understanding.   

Typically, my students and their friends or family members are amazed. "This was the best conversation we’ve ever had," they often report – "we felt closer afterward and want to have more talks like it." They’ve done it on every conceivable explosive issue with counterparts worldwide, regardless of culture. 

How do my students do it?

Mainly by using a simple principle and three simple words. Together, they can help our families, friendships, holiday gatherings, campuses and country.

How do I talk about politics with friends and family?

The principle: Your goal isn’t to change the other’s mind but to touch their heart and be 3% more loving. Seek the mind, and you’ll often get nowhere. Seek the heart, and you may get both. Regardless, you may each learn valuable things − and feel glad afterward.

The words are: paraphrase, praise and probe. Here’s how to use them.

Paraphrase. First, pick an issue privately over coffee together (not at a family meal), then let the other share their views about it. Then after a minute or two recap so well that they say, “Exactly!”

Praise. Next, praise something significant you heard that you can truthfully honor − a value they expressed, something you learned, a point of agreement or an honorable character trait. (e.g., “I appreciate your distress over the suffering. I share it.”) You don’t have to agree with their conclusion − just something significant you can truly validate.

Can’t find anything? Say, “Tell me more,” then paraphrase again. Usually, beneath a conclusion we oppose, there’s a value, like fairness or safety, or a personal quality, like compassion or eloquence that we appreciate. Listen for that.

Probe. Next, ask a question, not like a prosecutor (“Yes, but isn’t it true that … ”) but as a genuinely curious student (e.g., “Here’s where I’m confused ... ”). Some other favorites:

  • “How did you come to this conclusion?”
  • “Tell me your story and how it shaped your views.”
  • “What does this term mean?”
  • “What evidence is there for this view?”
  • “How can we learn more about this together?”

A harsh question usually backfires. A respectfully challenging question is fine.

Then you repeat the process at least a couple of times.

How do I share my thoughts without getting heated?

But when do you get to share your views? After a while, once they feel well-heard and appreciated. By then, you’ll have built goodwill and respect and modeled the listening you’d like. Use a thoughtful tone. When in doubt, think, “Does this sound respectful?”

Go back to paraphrase, praise and probe whenever you like – especially when there’s an edge in the conversation. It de-escalates.

For even better results, start with the "golden minute" − the 60 seconds it takes at the beginning to suggest this: “I wonder if we can take a minute to figure out how we’d like to talk about the XYZ topic. Let me suggest we agree not to interrupt and to speak respectfully. I’m happy to do that. Does that sound OK?”

Often, both feel relieved and safer.

How can I get out of a tough conversation?

Fearful? Triggered? Here are your escape buttons: Take a bathroom break, or conclude the conversation graciously by expressing gratitude and changing the subject: “Thank you − you’ve given me a lot to think about. Let’s talk again if I have more questions. How’s the weekend looking?”

The great theologian Martin Buber, whom Martin Luther King Jr. admired, emphasized that truthful conversations are keys to our humanity, turning dehumanizing relationships into meaningful ones

Paraphrase, praise and probe make such dialogue possible and safe. But how do such conversations really make a difference? In at least two ways.

First, they can transform things. Ask hostage negotiators. Therapists. People who’ve worked with bigots or cults. They’ve found practices similar to paraphrase, praise, probe gradually change hearts and minds as nothing else can. Often, hostage takers put down guns. Bigots repent. Cult followers exit. People with addictions quit. 

But be warned − you won’t change a mind in one conversation. That’s not the main point. It’s first about connecting across chasms.  

Second, conversations can transform us, in surprising, humbling and thrilling ways − if we’re willing to learn something. They’re empowering, too. As John Stuart Mill noted, you don’t know your side’s argument until you’ve heard the other side’s argued well.

People can and do enjoy talking across chasms once they know how.

In a time of turmoil and fear, it’s never been more vital for us to nurture that ability. It won’t change everything, but having thoughtful private political conversations can foster crucial connections, understanding and, yes, love when we dearly need it. What better way to give thanks?

Seth Freeman is an adjunct professor of conflict management and negotiation at Columbia University and NYU Stern School of Business. He is the author of "15 Tools to Turn the Tide: A Step-By-Step Playbook for Empowered Negotiating."