Politics and family feel more fraught this holiday season. Data shows they are. | Opinion
This year's election split voters down the middle. Now, as the nation sets the table for the winter holidays, it's doing the same thing to families.
Thanks to his years as a political commentator and program host on Fox News, Jesse Watters is one of President-elect Donald Trump’s most-recognized boosters. Finally, that became too much for his mother, Anne Watters: A few days after Trump became president-elect, Watters told the world his mom disinvited him for Thanksgiving.
This year’s election split voters down the middle. Now, as the nation sets the table for the winter holidays, it’s doing the same thing to families.
As a psychologist who specializes in family estrangement and a national public opinion researcher, we’ve been detecting a rise in affective polarization for a while, with once-close families and friends limiting or ending contact over politics. Political affiliation, in fact, has become the most significant factor in determining whom people choose to connect with or exclude, surpassing religion, race, ethnicity, gender and other common fault lines.
To more closely investigate the divisive effect of politics on family and friends, we collaborated on a nationally representative survey of U.S. adults shortly after Election Day. We asked them whether politics has altered their relationships with family and friends and, if so, whether they have limited or even severed contact as a result. We also asked them what could bring them back together.
In addition, we reached out to clients working through estrangement to share their stories.
Here’s what we found.
Estranged from family over politics? Polls show you're not alone.
Today, 1 in 2 adults are estranged from a close relation. Though the main explanation for such ruptures is something that a relative said or did, about 2 in 5 attribute it directly to political differences. Of those estranged over politics, almost half say the break occurred within the past year, with 1 in 7 saying it happened in just the past month.
Their disassociations include cutting off all contact, even through intermediaries and blocking them on social media.
Many of those in intact families also sense the poisoning power of politics in their own close relationships. A third of American adults say they’ve felt uncomfortable at a family gathering over the past year due to a relative’s political beliefs. A third worry, too, that political arguments will darken upcoming family gatherings.
There's not much difference in the frequency of estrangement by political beliefs or party affiliation, with liberals (21%) and conservatives (20%) experiencing it slightly more often than moderates (14%).
Tolstoy famously told us that all unhappy families are unique, but from years of counseling families, we can say the pain that precedes a fracture and the pain that follows are things they often have in common.
A self-described “gay son of a Southern Baptist preacher,” Jonathan Simcosky explained his decision to break ties with his father: Though he disagreed with his father’s viewpoints when he was young, Simcosky said, he could respect his father’s “noble pursuit of moral purity” that underpinned them, only to see him back President-elect Donald Trump: “If we can't agree that Donald Trump is uniquely unfit, I don't see how we could ever agree on anything meaningful. In short, I now no longer feel I can trust or respect my parents.”
A retired police officer and Trump supporter wrote to us about his estrangement from his liberal son and his wife over politics. He said that he voted for Trump every time he ran, but that his son and daughter-in-law said because he was a fan of Trump, they were no fans of his and cut him off – including access to his grandchild.
Most families estranged over politics say they hope for reconciliation
Being on the same partisan side isn’t necessarily enough to prevent an estrangement. A matriarch in a left-wing secular Jewish family told us she was traumatized by the Hamas attack on Israel last year, only to discover later that her son was posting Hamas “propaganda” on Instagram. After a month of back-and-forth texting, he cut her off “forever,” accusing her of promoting genocide.
Based on our polling, most Americans would condemn the behavior of these sons, whether they were triggered or not. Two-thirds of survey respondents agree that cutting off a family member because of political beliefs is not justified and that most family fights over politics could be easily resolved.
It’s not easy, however. Just over half of those who are estranged because of politics would like to patch things up, and an apology from the relative or demonstrable change in behavior may increase that potential, but fewer see reconnection as likely.
In our coaching and consultation, we see estranged families locked in stalemates – sometimes for years – each waiting for the other to make the first move. The belief that apologizing signals weakness or betrays one’s values keeps once-close relatives distant.
Our survey shows that even the loneliness or obligatory pull of holidays isn’t enough to inspire many to reconcile.
Family more vulnerable to political polarization than ever before
Regardless of religion, race, ethnicity or gender, family relationships might be more fraught today because they exist in what the late sociologist Zygmunt Bauman called “liquid culture,” a period characterized by rapidly changing norms and values.
The traditional bonds and shared principles that once held individuals and families together have weakened, making connections more precarious and vulnerable to the pressures of political and cultural polarization.
This means we might have to work a little harder to take responsibility for our own contributions to conflicts, show more empathy for other’s values and perspectives, and avoid the dead end of trying to prove the other wrong. It’s no small task for any relationship, but most find that the rewards outweigh the risks.
The older sentiment to “never discuss religion or politics with those who hold opposing views” may have something to offer us, too. The credo is credited to Arthur Martine’s “Hand-Book of Etiquette and Guide to True Politeness," published to foster civility and decorum in social settings in the immediate aftermath of the Civil War.
As for Fox News’ Watters, he shrugged off his Thanksgiving disinvitation on air. Comments that followed on social media took one side or the other. There was also this on X: “There are many members of my family with whom I disagree. But I keep comments to myself. They are entitled to their opinions. I am entitled to mine.”
How quaint – and appropriate.
Joshua Coleman is a psychologist, senior fellow at the Council on Contemporary Families and the author of "Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties & How to Heal the Conflict." Will Johnson is the CEO of The Harris Poll, one of the world's leading public opinion research firms.