Have you quit drinking alcohol for Dry January? It may change how you work. | Opinion
I used alcohol and substances to cope with difficult emotions at work and in the rest of my life. Getting sober caused the feelings to come flooding back. Here's how I coped.
For many years, I used alcohol and other substances to manage through work stress and burnout. Lessons from recovery programs helped me get sober – not only from my addictions but also from the distorted thinking and emotional swings I blamed on the realities of having a job.
If you go dry for a month, get ready for feelings you tamped down at the end of, or during, each workday to come raging back when you’re not getting drunk or high.
You don’t need to consider yourself an addict to know that your drug of choice helped, at least temporarily, quell the pain of an annoying coworker and a demanding boss. Without the alcohol, social media, eating or gambling, you might feel reactive and irritable, or as bestselling author Brené Brown said, like “a turtle without a shell in a briar patch.”
You’ll need a better solution – to be sober in the broad sense, as in steady and level-headed. Principles behind recovery programs are ancient virtues and character dimensions, and anyone can use them to find peace and balance.
A core principle is acceptance. "The Serenity Prayer" encourages us to distinguish between what we can and can’t control. When we feel threatened at work, we might try to manipulate outcomes in our favor. For example, a manager prevents an ambitious employee's success by taking credit for his work or withholding information.
Surrendering but not giving up
I struggled with the word “surrender” when I started recovery, but now I see it not as passively giving up but as voluntarily giving in.
Surrendering is an active decision that takes strength, trust and hope. The manager accepts that the employee might outshine her, which could reflect well on her leadership. Surrendering also means accepting people as they are. A client is and will always be unreasonable. We accept that she has her own struggles, and then we ask, how can I change because she won’t?
Surrendering isn’t about disengaging, which TikTokers do when they “don’t give a s---” and are “out of f---s to give.” That’s just another way of numbing out. They don’t seem at peace, carrying around a backpack of resentments that would tempt anyone to take a drink.
They’re like dry drunks, who don’t partake but still continue old, harmful behaviors.
You might have a long list of complaints about your job, a list that gets longer without a nightcap.
In recovery programs, people write down our resentments and examine our role in each. We acknowledge that our own jealousy soured a relationship or that our expectations for a promotion are unrealistic and set us up for disappointment. With guidance, we work on our character issues and, paradoxically, gain more control because we learn to change ourselves and our reactions.
All this takes courage and humility.
Connection is opposite of addiction
Humility, or rightsizing ourselves and being willing to learn, is particularly difficult given the hierarchical structure and competitive nature of most organizations. Once sober, regardless of our job title, we put ourselves neither below nor above others and simply think about ourselves less. Our focus turns to making space for and elevating others at work instead of on our own career goals.
In recovery, being of service to others is key to maintaining sobriety. At work, we ask what we can do for others, which lessens our own fears and resentments.
Most recovery programs offer a spiritual solution without any particular religion or dogma. A few months into recovery I realized I had made my employer my higher power, depending on it for my purpose, self-esteem and identity. That wasn’t a healthy way to live. Instead, we can experience spiritual awareness at work through a sense of community with our coworkers or by appreciating the way our work contributes positively to others’ lives.
Recovery, beyond mere sobriety, is about connection, which is often termed "the opposite of addiction." Hands down, the best part of sobriety for me has been the community – having a group of people who “get me” and whom I can call and can call me in tough times.
The workplace has obvious limitations on relationships, but people around the country feel lonely and isolated whether sober or not. Work offers a place to practice new ways of being that could include seeing each other as the vulnerable, fallible people we are.
For some, Dry January will be a success when they have 31 days sober. For others, they may discover far more: fewer resentments, deeper connections and maybe real peace, so the urge to “unwind” every day after work is lifted.
Amy Newman is a senior lecturer emeritus at the Cornell SC Johnson College of Business and author of "Recovery at Work: Using Twelve Step Principles for Professional Success."