Ryan Lochte didn't try to cheat, but he is a big dope
Thanks for the memories, Ryan Lochte, because hey, we all need a good laugh every now and then. But that’s enough now, time to check out of competitive swimming.
But let’s face it, Lochte has been less a swimmer and more a pseudo-celebrity for a good while now.
He has an impressive haul of six Olympic gold medals, four of which were won as part of a stacked relay squad, and a place in our hearts as an athlete with immense physical talent and close to zero practical intelligence.
What should be the final chapter in Lochte's career came Monday when he was suspended for 14 months by the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency.
Now Lochte, 33, didn’t dope, but he is a dope. He didn’t try to cheat, not even a little bit. He went to a place called Revival IV Lounge in Gainesville, Fla., on May 24 and got an IV drip. He posted a photo of himself on social media getting pumped full of perfectly legal vitamins.
Except Lochte is a professional swimmer, and as every swimmer should know, there are certain things you can and can’t do as the sport tries to stay clean from the scourge of performance-enhancing drugs. One of those is a ban on IVs above certain specifications.
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We were once asked "What Would Ryan Lochte Do?" — an eminently forgettable reality TV show. The answer? This. Exactly this. As in, like something really dumb, bro.
Lochte will be just fine. People (and companies) love notoriety. That's why the swim-equipment company TYR picked up Lochte after he embellished his way into the headlines at the Rio Olympics.
But it’s all good. The future is lit.
Lochte has a cute kid and a lovely wife and everything is going to be sweet. Good looking people with money who live in sunny locations tend to have pretty good lives. Lochte won’t have to think too much.
The treasure trove of entertainment that is Lochte's social media tells us he recently had an enlightening talk with Vanilla Ice in an airport lounge and can’t wait to chat more about business with him. What could possibly go wrong?
Just as long as Lochte no longer swims, because while the length of his ban means he could come back in time for the Tokyo Olympics in 2020, he has already long outstayed his welcome.
He's in danger of becoming a permanent punchline. Oh wait, that already happened when the Baywatch remake based a whole moronic character about Lochte. And man, here’s the kicker — Zac Efron’s Matt Brody was actually more likeable than Lochte.
Yep, it’s time to pack up the Speedos, or whatever it is Lochte wears after Speedo dumped him from a sponsorship deal post-Rio. Peace out, man.