Week 2 NFL Power Rankings: Irrational, jump-to-conclusions edition

With NFL Week 1 in the books, it's time to take stock of the league and hand out some rankings, based on next to no evidence and irrational judgments I've leapt to after barely watching these teams play. As my buddy Daniel Adler called in on the FTW Podcast yesterday, this is the Jump to Conclusions Week, so let's jump to some conclusions. POWER RANK TIME.

1. Pittsburgh Steelers

The Steelers were a sneaky Super Bowl pick for me, and they dismantled a supposedly up-and-coming Washington team on Monday night, moving the ball effectively and getting stops when they needed them. Also Antonio Brown has harnessed the pumping power of the McCringleberry. They will never lose.

2. New England Patriots

Man. They're this good with Jimmy Garoppolo in there, and Rob Gronkowski is also yet to return. Bill Belichick could take half of my flag football team and the cast of Friday Night Lights and go 7-9.

3. Denver Broncos

When you beat the reigning MVP in the opening night game with someone named Trevor playing quarterback, that's a sign that you have a complete football team. Also: I'm still not totally 100% convinced Trevor Siemian isn't a practical joke being played on me by the entire world.

4. Green Bay Packers

Mike McCarthy did just about everything in his power to lose that football game, but Aaron Rodgers and the rest of the Packers wouldn't let him. McCarthy is the NFL's Mr. Magoo who sort of blindly lucks into wonderful results by the skin of his teeth. I'm almost rooting for him at this point.

5. Kansas City Chiefs

It took them a while to figure things out, and the Chargers gave them a run for their money, but Andy Reid's boys put it together in the end and won the opener. They'll bust through to bigger things soon.

6. Cincinnati Bengals

I like this team. Yeah they had to squeak one past the Jets, but that's a nice win on the road to kick off the season. The AFC North battle between these two is gonna be fun. You heard me. Fun will be had. FUN WILL BE HAD.

7. Seattle Seahawks

They played terribly and won. Russell Wilson will be better, they still have Thomas "Lou" Rawls to return, and that defense is always good. I'm not counting out the Seahawks yet, even if they didn't quite pass the smell test in Week 1 .[Takes long inhalation through nose, passes out.]

8. Arizona Cardinals

They lost, but I still have them above a bunch of teams that won. What will that wacky Nate do with the Power Rankings next? I bet you're asking. Well, stick around, friend. Things are gonna get nuts.

9. Carolina Panthers

They won 15 games last year, so I'm not counting them out yet, even though losing to anyone named Trevor in literally anything should discredit you.

10. Minnesota Vikings

Thus begins the great run of "teams that looked pretty good and I have absolutely no feel for" part of the Power Rankings. This section has a theme song. (The key part is when Thom Yorke sings I have no idea what I am talking about.)

11. Oakland Raiders

They looked pretty good!

12. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

They also looked pretty good!

13. Houston Texans

I didn't see much of this game, but I heard they looked pretty good!

14. New York Giants

They looked pretty good!

15. Baltimore Ravens

They looked pretty good!

16. San Francisco 49ers

They looked pretty good! Which is miraculous considering they should have lost by 90 points given all the Kaepernick distractions! Isn't that right, Trent Dilfer!? Wonder what happened there!?

17. Philadelphia Eagles

I think they're going to be medium, but on this weekend, they looked pretty good!

18. Detroit Lions

They scored a lot of points against the Colts, and looked pretty good doing so!

19. New York Jets

I don't think the Jets are going to be terrible this year, and they hung around against a Bengals team I'm high on. Keep an eye on them for the Wild Card, unless Belichick has somehow already cursed them with some potion he acquired from a shaman in Blefuscu, in which case sorry Jets, you suckers.

20. Jacksonville Jaguars

My "Jaguars are going to shock the league this year and make the playoffs" prediction doesn't look so great after Week 1, but I believe in Blake Bortles. Count that as one of the saddest sentences written in 2016: "I believe in Blake Bortles."

21. Miami Dolphins

Defense looked good against the Seahawks, offense did not. Come on Tannehill, I enjoyed you on Hard Knocks a few years ago. Put it together for old time's sake.

22. Dallas Cowboys

Turns out building your offense around two rookies is going to be a little shaky at times. But they're still America's Team, don't you forget. Which means, well, it doesn't mean much. Actually doesn't mean anything at all.

23. Buffalo Bills

Rex Ryan got his lap band removed, apparently, out of loyalty to his brother Rob. So that's pretty interesting.

24. Indianapolis Colts

Andrew Luck should be able to sue the Colts' front office for malfeasance.

25. Atlanta Falcons

Yeah they lost by a touchdown to Tampa Bay, but they had style doing it. Just kidding.

26. New Orleans Saints

Their defense stinks.

27. Tennessee Titans

Mariota looked pretty good and not much else did.

28. Washington Redskins

I had this team winning the NFC East, but after that lackluster performance … I still think I have them winning the NFC East? I feel like 7-9 oughta do it. This team can win 7 games, right? RIGHT?!

29. San Diego Chargers

They put up a spirited fight against Kansas City and I still think this team will start 1-4 and fire Mike McCoy.

30. Chicago Bears

[Boos]

31. Cleveland Browns

[Boos louder]

32. Los Angeles Rams

That Monday night game was the saddest Hollywood ending since Blue Valentine. I don't care if none of you saw that movie that was a good joke.