Assessing athletes on Dancing With The Stars
This season we've got four athletes competing under the bright, Monday night, primetime lights on Dancing With The Stars : IndyCar driver James Hinchcliffe, Olympic gymnast Laurie Hernandez, Olympic swimmer/news cycle Ryan Lochte, and former NFL player Calvin Johnson. And, since we care about providing you with the most in-depth sports knowledge possible here at For The Win, I will be tracking the progress of these athletes throughout the season. Here is last week's recap.
Hello, and welcome to "How did all the athletic humans do on Dancing With The Stars this week?" I am here to guide you through the sequins, heels, suspenders, and bizarre on-camera confessions that make up this American Monday night viewing experience.
The first thing we do is deal with the whole Ryan Lochte protester debacle from last week. They show us grainy footage that looks like it was featured on Cops (remember Cops?). Think about how funny this is: The actual footage was definitely shot with high-def cameras, so this means that some poor producer had to put the Cops filter over it and then sit there, head in hand, thinking, "I didn't go into $200,000 worth of debt getting my masters to put Cops filters over footage of people trying to attack Ryan Lochte."
But that's what happens. We watch security dudes tackle the protestors to the ground, all of whom are wearing shirts like this:
And now it's off to the races. Tonight's theme is "TV Night In America," which sounds like a horror movie, but is really where everybody has to do a dance to the theme song of a TV show and dress up like the characters. Let's get into it.
Calvin Johnson (former football player)
Intro: Calvin is supposed to foxtrot with his partner Lindsay. Their theme is Family Matters, and Calvin is dressed up as Steve Urkel. He says that while he had to be tough on the football field, here he can "let loose" and that he's "enjoying the hell out of it." His amazing smile indicates that this is a true statement.
Outfit: A++++++. Calvin is rocking those Urkel suspenders. He's embarrassed when someone tells him to say, "Did I do that?" in the Urkel voice …
… but he says it anyway because this is primetime, baby, and he's a good sport.
My assessment of Calvin's dancing: I yell to my roommate, who's in the kitchen cooking an artichoke, "Calvin Johnson is good at dancing!" She's yells back, "Cool!" I love Calvin. This foxtrot looks very difficult. My key takeaway so far from watching this show (which, if we're being completely honest - and we always are, because this is journalism - I had never seen before last week) is that dancing is hard. I've been trying to learn the dance to Francis and the Lights' song Friends …
… to understand what these people who have to learn intricate footwork are going through. I'm failing miserably. These athletes are American heroes.
The judges' assessment of Calvin's dancing: They all feel the same way. They love him. Julianne says he has an "unexpected spark" about him. Another one - I missed who - says, "you're so darn cute," which seems like a weird thing to say to a grown man.
Calvin's scores: This is the best part: STEVE URKEL HIMSELF SHOWS UP! That's right! Jaleel White comes to surprise Calvin, because Calvin loved Family Matters when he was growing up. Real Urkel tells Calvin, "you've been on my fantasy team so many times!" 2016 has been a garbage fire of a year in most respects, but this is a bright spot. The judges all give Calvin 7s. Urkel gives him a 10.
Laurie Hernandez (gymnast)
Intro: Speaking of bright spots, Laurie Hernandez is the best thing that ever happened to this country. You should fact check that, but I'm pretty sure it's accurate. She and Val are dancing to the Duck Tales theme song. Duck Tales is that spectacular '80s/'90s show about Uncle Scrooge McDuck, his grandnephews, and their shenanigans. Laurie doesn't know what Duck Tales is because she was born in 2002, and suddenly I feel very, very old and tired.
Outfit: She's wearing an awesome red dress, and Val is dressed up as Scrooge.
My assessment of Laurie's dancing: She's untouchable. It's really criminal that the judges can't give Laurie 10s yet. Sure, they could. But they won't. I'm learning quickly that you never give a contestant better than an 8 or worse than a 5 this early, even if they look as stiff as a Twizzler trying to tango or as sloppy as a wet ATM receipt attempting to waltz. Because, as Erin Andrews sternly said to Vanilla Ice as he mimed hanging himself with his tie earlier this episode, "THIS IS A POSITIVE SHOW!"
The judges' assessment of Laurie's dancing: I can't imagine that they've ever seen someone so talented grace their stage before. Len says Laurie is "full of snap crackle and pop." He is correct.
Her scores: She gets all 8s because there's no justice in this world.
James Hinchcliffe (IndyCar driver)
Intro: James was busy this week because he had to do his real job, which is drive in an IndyCar race at Sonoma Raceway. So he only had two days to practice his dance. He and Sharna are dancing to The Walking Dead theme song, which seems like the last thing in the world you'd want to dance to. If they wanted something other-worldly, they should've gone with Stranger Things.
Outfit: They are dressed up as people trying to survive a zombie apocalypse, as far as I can tell, and the backup dancers are the zombies.
My assessment of James' dancing: He's a very talented dancer, especially for someone whose job is to sit down all day. They're pretending to get eaten as part of the performance. The zombies really distract from the dance itself, which is called a paso doble.
The judges' assessment of James' dancing: They think he's good, too. Len says he is "quite coordinated."
Then the camera pans to Mark Cuban, who is apparently in the audience.
James' scores: 7, 7, 7, 8.
Ryan Lochte (Swimmer)
Intro: Ryan is crying as he talks about the protesters who crashed the stage. But honestly, he should be thanking them, because the sympathy points they gave him were the best thing that could've happened to him on The Ryan Lochte Redemption Tour Dancing With The Stars. Cheryl caresses his arm as she says he's "a strong man." He and Cheryl are dancing to the Muppets theme song.
Outfit: Their suits are meant to reflect the fact that Ryan is Kermit and Cheryl is Miss Piggy. I guess the producers didn't get the memo that America's favorite amphibian/barnyard animal couple recently broke up (I still have trouble talking about it, so we're going to move on).
My assessment of Ryan's dancing: He dances like he actually is a muppet. All elbows and knees. Very stiff. Sad! I can say with authority that Ryan Lochte is bad at dancing.
The judges' assessment of Ryan's dancing: They agree with me. Julianne gives him so much criticism that she actually apologizes at the end of her spiel. She goes as far as to say, "you can work on it, if you're here next week." But everyone is very supportive and is wearing shirts with hearts around Ryan's name in a show of solidarity and positivity.
Ryan's scores: All 6s.
One couple will get voted off tomorrow night in a special episode. My money's on Rick Perry. Dude looks like a lego when he dances. And not the cool animated kind from The Lego Movie. The actual plastic kind.