Colts continue to unravel with biggest choke in NFL history vs. Vikings | Opinion
Be honest here. You wanted the Colts to lose that game at the end, didn’t you? No, not for the draft pick. Screw that. You wanted the Colts to lose that game to Minnesota because they deserved to lose – all of them.
Interim coach Jeff Saturday, general manager Chris Ballard, quarterback Matt Ryan, every single sniveling defender who illegally tried to prevent the Vikings from being able to kick that last-second field, because Lord knows the Colts couldn’t win this game legally. All of them deserved this 39-36 loss. And you wanted them to have it, didn’t you?
Maybe it’s just me.
Hell yes I’m saying that out loud. Look, if you’re looking for neutrality, you’ve come to the wrong place. Most of the time I’m the local homer, preferring our local teams do well because that makes you happy, and happy people like to read happy stories. The Colts winning games – same as the Pacers, Boilermakers, Bulldogs, Hoosiers, etc. – is good for your psyche and my business.
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But the Colts needed to lose this one, and again, take your draft position and kindly shove it where the sun doesn’t … well, anyway, this isn’t about the 2023 NFL Draft. This is about the 2022 Indianapolis Colts, who have become the most unlikeable team in recent franchise history. Off the top of my head, I can think of just one Colts team that was easier to dislike than this one: The 1983 version, in Baltimore.
And those Colts snuck out of town in the middle of the night.
If only we could be that lucky tonight.
Colts are so bad it's almost funny
The Colts led 33-0, and it was almost fun wasn’t it? Sure, you want the Colts to keep losing. You have visions of sugar plums and Alabama quarterback Bryce Young dancing in your head. Or maybe you prefer Ohio State’s C.J. Stroud. Former IU quarterback Michael Penix, now at Washington? Hey, whoever. Drafting any one of them would be better than what the Colts have called a “strategy” at the most important position in football since Aug. 24, 2019, the day Andrew Luck retired.
If you were watching the IU basketball game Saturday at Kansas – sorry for bringing it up – did you spit up your eggnog when the Colts score flashed across your screen? I mean, seriously, 33-0? In the second quarter? Against the 10-3 Minnesota Vikings?
The Colts blocked a punt and returned it for a touchdown, they intercepted a pass and returned it for a touchdown, they forced a fumble and used that turnover to score a touchdown. It was so ludicrous, what the Colts were doing to Minnesota, that the NFL’s official Twitter account got a little too excited and issued the following tweet:
Best first half performance by a defense ever?
Maybe so. The Colts held the Vikings scoreless, forced two turnovers, and allowed just three first downs and 27 yards net passing. This was dominant, the exact opposite of the way the defense folded in the previous game at Dallas, when the Cowboys took a 21-19 lead into the fourth quarter and scored the final 33 points against a Colts defense that quit.
This team is unlikeable, as I was saying. The whole franchise, really. They fire offensive coordinator Marcus Brady when it was the head coach who deserved to go. Then they fire the head coach, Frank Reich, only to replace him with a guy from the ESPN booth, Jeff Saturday, who decided Sam Ehlinger was his starting quarterback, then changed his mind and made it Matt Ryan, because he either has no idea what he’s doing, or no courage to stand up to owner Jim Irsay.
My guess: Both.
Oh, I’m done with Saturday. After initially loving the hire because it was weird and Saturday seems cool and, again, I’m a local homer who wants our teams to do well – sincerely – right about now I’d drive Jeff Saturday to the airport if Irsay would fire him. I’d invite Irsay to sit shotgun, though, and then try to sneak him on the plane as well.
And don’t get me started on Matt Ryan, who can’t throw the ball from here to there, and worse, has lost the ability to think. Before the Vikings drove nearly 60 yards in 1:41 without a timeout against a Colts defense that I think was actually trying – before Minnesota went through all that to kick the game-winning field goal – Ryan twice tried to give the Vikings the game:
First on a sack: The Vikings jarred the ball loose and Ryan, whose poise once was his strong suit, got the bright idea to bat the ball up the field, hoping I guess that one of his teammates would beat the Vikings to the ball. Which Alex Pierce did.
Then, on a pass: The Vikings were closing in on Ryan on his final throw of the game, third-and-9 at the Colts’ 44, and he decided to throw it to a spot where only the Vikings could catch it. Alas, a Minnesota defensive back was inches short of the interception on his dive.
I’m leaving out so many plays that were so bad they’d be funny, if this were any other NFL team. But it’s not funny. It’s the Colts, like that decision on fourth-and-1 in the final minute of regulation, with the clock ticking and Ryan pretending to call for a snap to draw the Vikings offsides. The subterfuge fooled just one person, and he plays for the Colts: left tackle Bernhard Raimann, who jumped. That forced the punt and stopped the clock, giving the Vikings another 20 seconds, though they couldn’t capitalize.
It's not funny, it’s the Colts, when they’re unable to get a measly 6 inches on a fourth-down sneak late in regulation at the Minnesota 36, and bad becomes worse when Vikings running back Dalvin Cook takes a screen pass 64 yards on the next play to tie the game at 36.
It’s not funny, it’s the Colts, when the NFL record book has to be rewritten, because the Colts have just allowed the largest comeback – 33 points – in NFL history.
And it’s not funny, it’s the Colts, when the old record, set in 1993 when Buffalo rallied from 32 down to beat Houston, was a comeback engineered by then-Bills quarterback Frank Reich. Yup, that Frank Reich.
OK, that’s a little bit funny.
Can I drive Jeff Saturday to the airport?
Let’s talk about what happens next.
Jeff Saturday gets told he’s not coming back next season. That’s a done deal. Never mind his 1-4 record. He was never going to win. This roster stinks, and that’s on general manager Chris Ballard. So you can guess what I think of his job security.
Saturday needs to go because, in consecutive games, he has overseen that collapse in the fourth quarter at Dallas – when the Cowboys defied space and time and even math by scoring 33 points in 15 minutes – and now the largest choke in NFL history. Hell, he needs to go now, before he oversees something even worse next week against the Los Angeles Chargers…
… who come to town on Monday Night Football. Which means the whole country gets to watch. Yay!
Saturday needs to go, Matt Ryan needs to be released, the offensive line needs to be demoted, the front office needs to be sacked, the quitting defense needs to be called out. In the next 24 hours.
Let’s talk now about what happened in the final seconds of overtime, when the Colts defense allowed completions of 15, 21 and 13 yards, then made things worse by trying to cheat – like this is soccer or something – by refusing to let Vikings receiver Justin Jefferson get up with the football at the 28. See, if Jefferson can’t get up, the ball can’t get placed for a snap before the clock expires. And if all of that happens, the game ends in a tie.
So two different Colts defenders took turns lying on top of Jefferson after the play, and then trying to tackle Vikings tight end Johnny Mundt when he got the ball, so neither of them could get the football to the center of the field. It was Looney Tunes. Who thought that would work, Wile E. Coyote?
The Colts would be hilarious if they were trying to tank, because holy cow guys, could you be a little more obvious? Only, they’re not trying to tank. They’re actually trying to win as they quit against Dallas and collapse against Minnesota.
Greg Joseph’s 40-yard field goal on the final play was good, meaning the Vikings won, the Colts lost, and justice was served.
Find IndyStar columnist Gregg Doyel on Twitter at @GreggDoyelStar or at www.facebook.com/greggdoyelstar.