Digital Life: Don't 'friend' dates too soon
Paste BN columnist Steven Petrow offers advice about digital etiquette.
Q: I'm in my late 30s, recently single, and have been friendly with a woman in my apartment complex for a while when I asked her to have dinner with me. She said yes, but before we went out she sent me a friend request on Facebook. It seemed a little aggressive – especially before we even had one date. I accepted, since I didn't want to seem hostile, but now I'm sorry. There was no chemistry at dinner and I won't ask her out again. The problem is we're still neighbors and she's practically stalking me on my page. What do I do now?
-- Anonymous
A: Hello! It's time for your date to have a quick refresher in "21st Century Dating 101: When to friend a romantic interest." Even though most people consider being a Facebook friend only slightly more intimate than a handshake, always take a little time before you connect: Hold off on friend requests before the first date. And don't jump the gun as soon as that date's over, either – meaning, don't send the request right after you get home. Patience is a virtue, and waiting is always part of the dating dance. For friend requests and other social media connections, I recommend waiting until at least the third date. While this is somewhat arbitrary, it's a useful yardstick. After all, if you make it to the third date, you're both probably more than a little interested.
When I posed your question on Facebook, one poster wrote: "If you're super selective about people you friend, just don't respond to a friend request. It's perfectly appropriate." It's true – just because someone sends you a request doesn't mean you need to reply immediately. You can do some waiting of your own while you see what, if anything, develops. If you get a message or any pressure to accept the request ("How come you haven't accepted my friend request?!"), take that for what it is: a clue as to this person's possible neediness. No one should be too pushy to connect on social media.
If your rationale for sending a friend request, either before a date or soon after, is to glean as much information about your "date candidate" by being able to see his or her page, think again. Instead use Google to get some background – your date will likely be Googling you as well – but don't necessarily believe everything that you read.
Your question also raises a decidedly old-timey dating dilemma – the one about asking out a person from your own backyard, i.e. apartment complex or workplace. If it doesn't work out – and most don't – you're going to be bumping into each other in the laundry room or fitness center. No fun. That doesn't mean you can't fall for someone you meet at home or at the office, but it does mean you need to be a little choosier here than in other meeting places.
But what do you do, now that there's no relationship but there is a Facebook connection? Make sure she's in your "public" group (or create a new group for her and other erstwhile dates) and change your privacy settings so that your posts are only visible to people labeled "family" or "friends." You can also change your settings so that her group (even if she's a group of one) is not able to post to your timeline. If she behaves inappropriately, you could unfriend her and move on. If it really gets out of hand – meaning anything really inappropriate, harassing or abusive – report her to Facebook. Twitter, Snapchat, and Instagram all have similar ways to deal with problem friends.
Agree of disagree with my advice? Let me know in the comments section.
Submit your question to Steven at stevenpetrow@earthlink.net. You can also follow Steven on Twitter: @StevenPetrow. Or like him on Facebook at facebook.com/stevenpetrow.