What parents should do if kids lie on social media
Paste BN columnist Steven Petrow offers advice about digital etiquette.
Q: My son is 20 and headed back to college. Recently, a friend showed me a profile on social media of my son. I’m upset because he’s not showing good judgment in his posts and pictures. He’s also lied about where he’s going to college and his age. I don't know how to approach the subject. Can you help?
– Mom in a muddle
A: Two of my nieces are off to college this week. One of them has numerous social media accounts under different aliases; it’s almost as though she’s in the witness protection program. Unfortunately for her parents who can’t monitor her accounts, she’s on her own when it comes to exercising good judgment in her posts.
My other niece is an open book, with her Facebook and Instagram pages only barely constrained by privacy settings. If her first year is any indication, monitoring will be required—including an occasional “Do you understand how this might look to others?”
Last year, when this niece was tagged in some outré photos, her mom didn’t miss a beat in giving input. For instance: “Make sure that your settings are set so that you get to approve all photos you’re tagged in.” This doesn’t prevent them from appearing in friends’ newsfeeds, however. I also want to point out that her mom was clear in making a distinction between giving an opinion and the rare times when she “requested” the photos get deleted.
It’s important that parents try as hard as possible to understand the context of an offspring’s posts and adjust their own opinions and judgment in some cases. In your case, I’d suggest talking with a few other parents about what you’ve seen. Do they agree that your son’s posts are inappropriate?
If the answer is yes, find a time to talk with your son and start off by acknowledging that he’s an adult. He’s 20 now and part of growing up is making mistakes and learning from them. “Think about what is important to him and put it in that context,” advises Ana Homayoun, a teen and millennial expert. “For instance, if he’s interested in getting a job in a few years, discuss how future employers look at social media and how even private posts quickly go public.”
At the same time, explain how his posts and pictures could be misinterpreted by others. Perhaps you can relate to what he’s done by talking about some things you did in your youth that you see differently now. A little mother-son bonding, in other words.
But misrepresenting — ok, let’s call it what it is, lying — about your age and where you go to school is another matter entirely. Don’t get angry or judge-y, but ask him why he’s done that and how he thinks this will all unfold. Maybe it’s a game among friends or done on a dare. Regardless, your job is to explain that everything he posts online is potentially identifiable. (I hope my niece in the witness protection program understands that, too.)
In short, use the carrot before the stick. If that doesn’t work, then it's time to switch gears and turn your “request” into a mom’s “demand.”
Agree or disagree with my advice? Let me know in the comments section.
Submit your question to Steven at stevenpetrow@earthlink.net. You can also follow Steven on Twitter: @StevenPetrow. Or like him on Facebook at facebook.com/stevenpetrow.