These are the winners of the Worst Travel Accessory Awards

ShelfPack, the thing pictured above that looks like a violent collision between a dumpy suitcase and a set of dorm room bookshelves, has decided to use the tagline "The Smart Way to Travel." That probably makes better – if less accurate – ad copy than the truth, which would be "You Don't Know How to Travel, Do You?" If you can't tell by the illustration from the ShelfPack's website, this $349 monstrosity features a set of retractable shelves that can extend 42" out of the bag, allowing you to spend your vacation ignoring the fact that your hotel room does, in fact, have furniture in it.

There are so many reasons that the ShelfPack doesn't make sense. First, the bag is massive – big enough that you're going to have to pay a fee to check it  – and even before you throw your casualwear on those shelves, it has to be heavy. (ShelfPack lists the dimensions, but not the weight, which might be telling). It also says that trying to pull almost 4 feet of retractable shelves out of your suitcase will allow you to "enjoy your vacation," as though you'd planned to spend the first day of your trip doing nothing but unpacking. But if you're going somewhere that requires enough gear to fill the ShelfPack, it's not a weekend trip – not unless you're a Kardashian, a terrible person or in the massive Venn overlap between the two – so you'd probably want to unpack.

But on the positive side, at least it can't be ridden like a scooter. Anyway, while I'm still angry about the ShelfPack, here are some other items that fall into the category of Worst Travel Accessories.

Worst Travel Pillow: The Hooded U-Shaped Travel Pillow With Removable Hood ($9.95, Amazon) One reviewer who purchased this from an Amazon seller called The Blowout Barn said, "It's nice, does what is expected." If what's expected is that you'll die from embarrassment during your flight, then yes, I'm sure this works well.

Worst In-Flight Accessory: Executive TRAYblecloth Airplane Tray Organizer ($18.95, Amazon) The description for this tray table cover says that it provides "a little bit of home while you travel." If every flat surface in your home is covered with a thin layer of plastic, then I have several follow-up questions for you. Also, no one – not Thomas Edison, not Jonas Salk, not Nikola Tesla – has ever been more proud of his accomplishments than the person who came up with the name "TRAYblecloth."

Worst Carry-On: Jaktogo Dresstogo ($78, Jaktogo) This line of wearable luggage was designed by Irish engineer John Power and the polyester dress above has 6 pockets that can accommodate 22 pounds (!!!) of stuff. On the one hand, you could avoid paying a checked bag fee. On the other, you and your 22 pound dress will clomp through the airport looking like a lumpier version of Violet Beauregarde.

Worst Wearable: SCOTTeVEST Travel Boxers ($20, SCOTTeVEST) These boxers have two security pockets that have been designed to hold your cell phone and your passport. Although that certainly might help you avoid being pickpocketed, it gives you a much better chance of being the guy at the departure gate who keeps rummaging around in his ringing crotch. Also, there's nothing that will make you a more welcome visitor to another country than pulling a damp, clammy passport out of your personal area and presenting it to a customs agent.

Worst Idea, Period: Kikkerland Grenade Travel Bottle Set ($4.95, Sharon Luggage) There is nothing that TSA agents like more than a good practical joke, so go ahead, fill these things with liquid, hide them inside your carry-on bag and anxiously bite your bottom lip while you wait for them to laugh and laugh and laugh! For some extra LOLs, flex your biceps and ask "Do I need a permit for these guns?" They'll love that.